Pinterest Fail

Writing prompt: You adopt four teenage girls. As time passes, you begin to realize each of them represents a horseman of the Apocalypse. All hell breaks loose when Famine steals War's boyfriend.

"Juli, how could you?!? You jerk! You, you.. OH!" Serena beat her fists on the kitchen counter and fled to her room.

Julienne just looked at the fleeing figure of her sister.

Well, they weren't blood sisters, but they were my girls. All four of them.

Serena had been the first to come to our home 6 months ago. At first I had thought she was a quiet girl. But really she was simmering. She was always simmering, waiting for a reason to blow! She was War, but I didn't realize until after the others came.

Julienne was placed in our home a month later. Poor girl was so thin she looked anorexic. She ate like there wouldn't be any food tomorrow, but she never gained weight. She took the food I bought for special events, ate the treats I bought for the other girls, even started on the food storage we'd been working to save in case of natural disaster. She was Famine.

Candace was the next one. She came to us about 3 months ago. Her name means pure.. but she was anything but.  It only took a few weeks for her room to become a disaster. Food and wrappers, trash, dirty dishes, dirty clothes. I don't know if the mess attracted ants... or worse. I didn't want to look. Pestilence.

Aurora joined our family just a month ago. Quiet, but not like Serena was. She was calm under the quiet, not waiting to explode. She was still and quiet and... Death. I had to take out a flowerbed by her bedroom window because everything died.

The Four Girls of the Apocalypse... in my house!

The shouting in the kitchen was just the first. It got worse. Juli's things began to go missing. Irritating things- part of a favorite outfit, one shoe but not the other. We didn't know it was Serena at first. Who else would be upset enough to take Juli's things?

One morning, in the chaos that is four girls getting ready for school, Juli screamed from the bathroom. "My eyEBROW!!!" Just one had been shaved. I let Juli go to school late while we figured out what to do: shave the other and practice with an eyebrow pencil.

As I was showing her, we started talking. As a good mom, I asked her how things were going in school. She mentioned her new boyfriend.... who had the same name as Serena's boyfriend. And looked the same as the boy Serena had described to me shortly before Juli had joined the family.

Juli had stolen Serena's boyfriend.

No wonder Serena had been so upset! I don't know if Juli knew he'd been dating her sister when she met the boy 2 months ago. But I feared the damage had already been done.

That night, I asked Serena to stay up when the other girls headed to bed.

"Serena, how have you been?"

"Fine."

"No, I don't want the pat answer. What's going on between you and Juli?"

"I don't know what you mean, Mrs G. Things are just fine."

"Serena..." My mom-voice was about to get a workout.

"Really, things are fine. Can I go to bed?"

"How about things with Ben? How is he doing?"

"I'm fine, and I guess he's fine, too." There was an edge to it when she said he was *fine*... There was the simmer. But it was hotter than a simmer. She was mad. So I waited. "Julie kissed Ben last week. She fucking kissed him! He's my boyfriend, not hers. She had no right to talk to him let alone kiss him!! He isn't even... good, I want her to suffer. I'm going to destroy her!!"

"Honey, I know you're angry and hurt and you probably feel betrayed and rejected. And you probably think your heart will break into a million piec..."

She cut me off. "Maybe 4 days ago, not anymore. I just want her destroyed. I want her beaten into submission. I want the guys in this high school to think of her as the pariah she is!"

It all came out in a jumble. I had to calm her down before she did something we would all regret.

Merry Christmas!

This year has been a roller coaster!.. and not a good one. There have been a lot of ups and downs, I think more downs than ups, but I'm still alive and breathing (not entirely joking there), and for that, I'm grateful.

I thought I'd share with you my Christmas letter to Santa.



Dear Santa,
This year has been kinda, really rough. I've been through a lot. I know I haven't been the best, but I've tried, and maybe that counts for something?

For Christmas this year, I'd like socks. I know this is a corny thing to want for Christmas, but I've been wearing long (knee-high) socks to work, and I've found I kind of love them!

On a more serious note... I could use a really good job. Something I'm well-suited for, that meets my needs and allows me to start planning for some really big ambitious plans in the next couple years. Full time at $11.25/hr just alright, but isn't quite cutting it.

I want to feel safe. You know the tough things that have happened in the last 6 months (Updates 1, 2, 3, and 4) so you know that my safety has been a concern. I want to feel safe. He will be sentenced the morning of February 6. This state puts a cap on the sentence for the charge he plead guilty to: 3 years. Add the 3-5 years of prison time waiting for him in Utah, and I just might have enough time to get my situation settled and secure before he's released. I want to know that whatever his sentence is will be what he needs to mend his ways, correct his attitude and thinking behaviors so he's not a danger/threat to me or to society.

I need to start really paying attention to my health. I would love to be able to have a full physical done. I had one done a number of years ago, but joining the over-40 club, I know there are some baseline tests I need to get done.. even though I'm really NOT looking forward to my first mammogram!

I want to find love. I'd really like to meet (or if I already know him, be directed to recognize him) that guy who will treasure me. A man who will be honest and honorable, respectful and respectable, kind, intelligent, and protect me and my heart.

I know not all of these will fit under the tree, but maybe if you could manage helping me find the ones that won't fit, I'd really appreciate it.

Just Me

General Update- Details Part 4

So a few weeks ago, I gave a general update. First on the update was that I realized that my boyfriend was abusive. Second was that I moved. Third was that I cut ties with my now-exboyfriend. As a refresher from that post:
"That has been a wild ride. Those of you who are familiar with the situation, I got tired of the lies and manipulation. I really cut ties, went "no-contact" on 11 Sept (total coincidence). I haven't said anything to him since. He's certainly attempted to communicate with me. But he has heard nothing from me since. I did what I had to do in order to stay safe. Hopefully, with the help of the authorities, this chapter of my life will be closed soon."

So here's the timeline:
September 11: I went no-contact. I told him I was done with his lies, drama, and manipulations. I asked he not contact me again, either directly or by a third party or I would get a protective order.
He responded with over 75 messages (through various avenues) over the course of the next hour and a half. If they had been "Baby, I'm sorry- what can I do to make it right?" I might have let it slide.. I just might have even replied. But they weren't. "If you do that, I'll make your life a living hell...." Several curse words were used gratuitously, name calling, threats, accusations, scary claims that he would find me and hurt me....*

September 12: I got a protective order. I didn't expect that piece of paper to change his behavior and I was right- it didn't. But I knew it was the beginning of a paper trail I was fully willing to follow as far as I needed to in order to be safe and free of him.

September 14: He was served. He sent me three emails an hour after he was served. And I reported it.

September 21: The temporary protective order was made permanent and he was served that day.... Because he was in jail on an unrelated charge.

September 23: I made another police report. This was actually the third police report I had made. The first two had been about his violating the protective order. That is a misdemeanor, and because we were in different states, neither state would do anything about it. This time, though, I spoke with a deputy who informed me that "attempting to force someone to do something against their will, while holding something over their heads is a felony..." Like extortion or blackmail? Yep. Very interesting! She came over and we talked. She took pictures of my screenshots**. She got a felony warrant- extraditable.

September 25: He was arrested through cooperation between his probation officer and the local police. I've had blissful peace since!!

*Note: This kind of communication happened every day for the two weeks between my request for no-contact and his arrest. He threatened to find me, kidnap me, hurt me, and kill me. He demanded I block certain friends, respond to his communication, and put on the engagement ring he had given me. He claimed to be watching me in person, to have hacked my accounts and was watching what I did online and on my phone, and to have drugged me at one point before I left!

**Note: I took screenshots of everything he did- texts, Facebook messages, emails, call logs, Pinterest messages, etc. I saved them to my computer. I sent them to a trusted friend who also saved them. And I gave them to the police each time I made a report. A copy is also on a flash drive held by another trusted friend.

October 7: He was extradited to my state/county. It had me a little panicked when I found out he was just down the road.. but I'm ok with him being in the local Greybar Hotel. He hasn't contacted me since!

November 15: I contacted his exwife.. estranged wife. We have compared notes. Just wow! The things! All the things! This man is well and truly a liar, a cheat, and an abuser (physically, emotionally). He is a danger and a threat to me, his wife, his current relationship, and to society in general.

December 12: Plea hearing. He accepted the plea deal offered by the prosecution and plead guilty to one felony count of stalking. Everything else was dropped (not exactly happy about this, but ok). His sentencing hearing will be on February 6th and could result in prison time, jail time, a halfway house, or probation. I'll keep y'all posted. I felt it was appropriate to wait until after he had entered his plea before I posted this update. He still has 3-5 years of prison waiting for him in Utah (for violating probation on unrelated charges) when he's done with his sentence here. I'm sad for those who love him and have been relying on him. But I'm glad that he's away. He can't hurt anyone where he is.

After Abuse

Sure, it's hard being alone after being with an abuser. One of their primary tactics is control- which often comes in the form of being there, being present in your life every minute!.. yes, even when they're not actually physically present. There are phone calls, texts, and even protocols they expect when they're not around.

That constant presence can be difficult to recuperate from when the victim leaves the relationship.

And it has been. I've really been struggling lately.

I feel so lonely! I miss having someone to talk to, someone to hug/be hugged by. I sure don't miss him- never fear, I wouldn't go back!!!

I'm trying to be smart, not rush into something just to have someone, but this loneliness almost hurts. I want.. need someone to just hold me sometimes. And there's nobody.

I'm trying so hard to not let this feeling push me to rush into something. I'm trying to be smart- take my time to find someone who is worth my time and will treat me right. But it's  been soooo hard the last couple weeks.

I probably look like I'm doing fine. I know I'm less stressed now that.. stuff.. yeah. But I still feel like a hot mess:

I struggle with some emotional regulation.

I cry at stupid stuff, the least little bit of compassion and I start tearing up. But I hide that. I don't like to look weak or come across as being dramatic or hysterical.

I get angry easier than I used to.

But I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I'm getting there.

Intermission

In the middle of the updates....

As I've been feeding my Pinterest addiction, I've been finding a lot of Pins about relationships (fancy that!), about how they end, the emotional aftermath, what happens when someone runs into their ex 5 years down the road and that awkward small talk...

Here's the thing. Most of these Pins talk about the broken heart and the crying and the "I miss him/her" and the "I still love him with a little corner of my heart" stuff.

But I don't think I do. I don't. Every memory I have is tainted. I question everything he ever said, everything he ever did. Why did he say that- was it even true? Why did he do that thing- was it another bid to try to control me?

And I question that he even actually loved me. Yeah, he may have thought he did. But love.. real love, the love that moves us to support and encourage and above all, not hurt or manipulate the person we love.... Yeah, he didn't love me, not real love.

I was in love with him, at one point. But the way he treated me through the entire relationship, the roller coaster, the lies, the guilt trips and pity parties (manipulation)- those eroded that first flush of excitement about having him in my life. I didn't truly believe him because of the lies he told at the beginning. I trusted him in some ways. But in others, I didn't.

And honestly, I shouldn't have trusted him at all. After that first lie, I should have kicked him out on his ear! I should have packed his stuff and left it on the front step. I should have called his sister to come get him and never let him in my life again!

Here's the thing:
As much as it hurts that he lied (oh so many lies!), that he betrayed me on such a fundamental level, and that he did it so consistently and without regard to my wellbeing, I know it had nothing to do with me. His lack of integrity wasn't about me or who I was/am or what I did or didn't do to or for him.

His behavior was exactly that- his. It was him. It was all about the quality of his own character. His actions were his and his alone to own.

I think between this and telling what happened to me, that's where my healing is coming from.

General Update- Details Part 3

So three weeks ago, I gave a general update. First on the update was that I realized that my boyfriend was abusive. Second was that I moved. Third will be covered at a later date, but this week, I'll cover the last section of that update. As a refresher from that post:
"I've been applying to all kinds of places since I got here in August. I found a (VERY) part-time job that helped cover some things. But honestly, it wasn't enough. I'm grateful for friends who have helped out. I've kept a ledger of what I owe you. Thank you for both your generosity and your patience in my paying you back. With a decent cash-flow, I can pay back those who have helped me these last couple months. Then save up for a decent car (Christmas maybe?). Next, pay off my freaking student loan! That's gonna be a while, though."

Since writing that post, I've found full-time work. It's through a temp agency, but as a general rule, the company I'm assigned to uses this method for their regular full-time hiring process.

Anyway, I'm an order-picker. Our clients call or enter their order online or whatever. And that order is processed, printed into a packet we call a dispatch. The dispatch includes part numbers, lot numbers, quantities, and bin locations. ... Yes, loads of numbers! And I have to match them exactly, no transposition, no alterations... unless that lot isn't available.

But there's a procedure if we are out of a lot. Check the assigned bin location, check the flex area (there's a half a dozen bin locations that are regularly unassigned), check the computer. If that lot is out of stock, then we can amend the dispatch.

Anyway, I get the dispatch and pick it- walk through the warehouse and collect all the parts in the correct lots, required quantities... and bring the whole thing to the labeling room to be labeled for the client, then the whole order gets taken to packaging to be prepared for shipping.

By the way, I was curious, so I downloaded and installed a pedometer on my phone. I get an average of 10k steps every day! TEN THOUSAND!

Best part: I'm getting a regular paycheck. It's every week, so it's both smaller and more often than I'm used to. When I get hired on permanent, the transition to every two weeks may be a little rough, but I figure if I plan ahead, make sure bills are paid ahead a little, put a little in savings for gas and groceries, I'll be ok.

General Update- Details Part 2

So two weeks ago, I gave a general update. First on the update was that I realized that my boyfriend was abusive. As a refresher from that post:
"I was able to get help packing my belongings and moved 600 miles away. I've lived here before, so there were old friends I got to see. But it's not like having your own space."

So, because he was emotionally abusive, called me That Word, I moved. Well, there were other things. I found messages that showed he was dealing drugs again. And he was sexting another woman.

I wish I had taken screenshots. But I'm kind of glad I didn't.

I found the sexting on July 30, around 6 or 9pm. I contacted someone from my church, asking for help packing b/c my home was an unsafe place (because he had threatened, "Snitches get stitches, you know"). The next day, I had 5-15 people at my house at any given time, packing, staging boxes out by the gate in the back yard. We took a break at 1 to go get a truck... which took an hour- ugh!

We loaded the truck, strapped my car to the dolly, and my best friend and I drove out of the driveway at 3:05, 25 minutes before he was going to be home.

We spent that night at her house. I parked the moving truck at the church nearby, and slept on her couch. The next morning, July 31, we left about 10am, and drove through the day. I kept in contact with the church leaders here, as they were planning to help unload the truck when we arrived. We got here about midnight, and just crashed out! Slept until we were done.

August 1, we got up, and made arrangements with our moving help to unload at the storage shed, and at the house.

I took a day to just breathe and sent my dear best friend home.

Actual photo of me and my best friend... I'm on the left.

Then I started job hunting. Ugh! I really do hate job hunting!

I found one position, but it was more on-call than full-time. My first day on the job....

To be continued!

General Update- Details Part 1

So last week, I gave a general update. First on the update was that I realized that my boyfriend was abusive. As a refresher from last week:
"See, back when I was in high school and we were learning about domestic violence, date rape, and the like, I promised myself I would never stay with someone who abused me. Of course, physical abuse was all that I really thought about.... But this last July, I realized my boyfriend was emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse is SOOOOO hard to recognize!!! Like my dad says about carbon monoxide poisoning, "It's hard to be aware of something that causes reduced awareness." Emotional abuse reduces the victim's ability to recognize the very abuse they're being subjected to."

Remember this post? Watch the video. I tried finding it on Youtube. It's not there anymore. But watch the video.

The relationship was rocky from the start. He lead out with a lie, and a pretty big one at that. I believed him. Do I blame my own lack of due diligence? Do I blame his (eventually proven) habitual dishonesty? Eh, some of both, I think. But I forgave him... and regret it. I should have tossed him out on his ear!

Because the lying just continued.

Then there were the fights. He would pick fights all the time. And of course, his solution was always to leave. Never to stay and talk it out. Nope, just leave. Because that solves everything!

And the protocols, my word. There were things he wanted me to do, because "It's just the little things that really make a relationship..." and "It's because I love you and worry about you..." and because he's insecure. At least that's what I thought at first.*

And the baseless accusations of cheating. Every time I wasn't where he thought I should be or doing what he thought I should be doing, or didn't respond to his texts and phone calls fast enough, the only possible reason was because I was cheating. He couldn't imagine any other reason I wouldn't answer right away. It certainly couldn't be because I ran into a coworker at the grocery store.. or I left my phone in the living room while I went to the bathroom.. or maybe I was talking with a friend so he got a busy signal... noooo!! I must be cheating! *eye-rolling

Eventually, the emotional abuse- the accusations, the controlling demands, the guilt trips and pity parties... He escalated just after Independence Day this last summer and called me a whore.

So it was a day or two later, and I was thinking about it, and realized "That's not ok. It's abusive. I'm leaving...." and started considering possible resources and options. I began formulating a plan immediately. There was no deliberation, no wondering if it was the right thing to do. It was simply the thing to do.

Ironically, my original plan was to move on my birthday in early October. I figured I could pull together money for a moving truck by then. But then I found out he was back to his illegal ways. That made me furious! He was on probation for this stuff. Sure, he had already issued a veiled threat- "Snitches get stitches.. and I've been the one to give them stitches..." So now I have to decide between him and my own safety... and my integrity! Oh, I was FURIOUS!!!

Then I found the sexting conversations. Yes, he was sexting with another woman. Ironically, this wasn't the first. Back in October 2017, he had been talking to an old friend from another state, had all but proposed to her, "That just makes me fall more and more in love with you... I want to put a ring on that finger.".. Mmhm!! No wonder she won't talk to him now. I entirely understand!

So between the ramp-up on the emotional abuse, the recidivism back to his old ways, and the cheating, I was beyond done! I found some help and I was gone in 24 hours!

Watch for next week's details on moving!

A General Update on My Life

A lot has happened in the last couple months.

I realized my boyfriend was abusive, and began planning to move.
See, back when I was in high school and we were learning about domestic violence, date rape, and the like, I promised myself I would never stay with someone who abused me. Of course, physical abuse was all that I really thought about.... But this last July, I realized my boyfriend was emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse is SOOOOO hard to recognize!!! Like my dad says about carbon monoxide poisoning, "It's hard to be aware of something that causes reduced awareness." Emotional abuse reduces the victim's ability to recognize the very abuse they're being subjected to.


So I ended up moving from my cute little house.
I was able to get help packing my belongings and moved 600 miles away. I've lived here before, so there were old friends I got to see. But it's not like having your own space.


I cut ties with said boyfriend.
That has been a wild ride. Those of you who are familiar with the situation, I got tired of the lies and manipulation. I realized cut ties, went "no-contact" on 11 Sept. I haven't said anything to him since. He's certainly attempted to communicate with me. But he heard nothing from me. I did what I had to do in order to stay safe. Hopefully, with the help of the authorities, this chapter of my life will be closed soon.

I've finally found work!!
I've been applying to all kinds of places since I got here in August. I found a (VERY) part-time job that helped cover some things. But honestly, it wasn't enough. I'm grateful for friends who have helped out. I've kept a ledger of what I owe you. Thank you for both your generosity and your patience in my paying you back. With a decent cash-flow, I can pay back those who have helped me these last couple months. Then save up for a decent car (Christmas maybe?). Next, pay off my freaking student loan! That's gonna be a while, though.

I think in the next couple weeks, I'm going to be going into more depth about each of these. So stay tuned! ;) and Happy Halloween!

My Manifesto

Recent events have enlightened my mind to some very serious flaws in how I've been living my live, where I have put my energy, and what I have allowed into my life. So I'm fixing that. Now.

So this is my Manifesto. This is my declaration of policy, how I will live my life, my aims and goals in life.

My Manifesto

INTEGRITY

I expect integrity from myself and others.

I will recognize and acknowledge the truth.

Beliefs, words, and actions will be consistent- both in myself and those around me.

KINDNESS

I will show kindness to myself and others. I expect kindness from those around me.

SELF-CARE

I will make sure I'm ok.

My health, safety, and prosperity will be maintained before others convenience.

I will love myself.

RESPECT

For myself and for others. From myself and from others. 

I will treat others with dignity because I deserve dignity from them.

I will establish Boundaries as needed to maintain safety for my body, mind, and heart

SUCCESS

I will succeed because I can, I know how, and I have the right to the opportunity to succeed!

So what do you think? What would you change for your own Manifesto?

Masks

Somehow, over the years, I've developed an outer shell, a facade, a tough exterior. And sadly, the world has colluded. "Oh, she's tough- she can handle it."

 Except that I can't handle it. Or at least I can't handle it all. A year and a half ago, I broke trying to handle it all.

"Before you get to that point, ask for help." I did.. and my plea for help was used against me.

"Why didn't you say something?" Well, because "she's tough- she can handle it." Would I have been taken seriously?

But now I wonder- how much of this did I bring on myself? Was I too tough? Was I unwise to not show my vulnerable side when I was younger? Maybe I hid my hurt too well when I was a kid. Or did I simply follow the examples I saw in others and lash out in anger rather than really feel the hurt?

I don't know.

What I do know is that now, to be vulnerable now scares me. I don't feel safe to show my fear, pain, insecurities, and hurt. I am uncomfortable crying and looking weak in front of others.

There was someone who wanted me to be able to drop that mask. He said he could see the tenderness inside, and he wanted me to be able to share that with the world. And I wanted that!! I wanted to be able to be generous and tender, loving and supportive and nurturing.

Maybe some day it will happen.

Empowerment Post-Assault.

So... Brett Kavanaugh, Christine Blasey-Ford. Yup, I'm gonna talk about that.

As they say, small minds talk about people, average minds talk about things, and great minds talk about ideas.

I'm going to use the people as a jumping-off point to talk about ideas.

So Kavanaugh was nominated for a pretty high, prestigious, and powerful position- Justice on the Supreme Court of this nation. He is to sit in committee with the eight other justices to interpret the laws as they are tested in court cases brought before the Supreme Court.

In other words, the legislative branch makes laws. Someone contests the meaning of the law by bringing it to trial, and the case ends up being appealed to higher and higher courts (one party disagrees with a judge's decision so they ask a higher and higher court to decide). Ultimately, the case/scenario comes to the Supreme Court. The judges/justices of that court hear the case, and jointly, write an opinion on how the law should be interpreted. They clarify how that law is to be applied.

That's some serious power. Granted he has 1/9 of that power, just over 10% of that power, but that's still a lot! And I get why the people of this nation should have a keen interest in the moral constitution of someone with that kind of power.

I'm not excusing high school or college stupidity. But the reality is it happens. People often make bad decisions when they're young:

"Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions."

Here's the reality- From a therapeutic perspective, it is a bad idea to question and poke at a sexual-assault survivor. They have been hurt, damaged, broken, and poking at a wound is not effective for healing.

And anyone who tries to say otherwise is not interested in compassion for the injured.

On the other hand, from a legal perspective, it's a bad idea to not question allegations brought against someone, no matter who is bringing the allegations against whom. Effective law enforcement and effective court procedure DEMANDS a thorough investigation into the validity of claims of misconduct, criminal accusations, and the like.

And anyone who tries to say otherwise is not interested in justice.

So where does that leave us? Justice vs compassion... Gosh, that sounds familiar!! Justice vs mercy... Yes, compassion and mercy are vital to our lives. Those two traits, practices prove we are human. But I don't think the courtroom is a place for compassion. There's a reason the sculpture of Lady Justice is so often displayed in places of law- legislative buildings and courthouses.

Mercy has its place, but not in the courtroom. Justice, investigation, truth must prevail.

I believe that if an accusation is to be brought against someone, while it can be difficult, it must be based in fact. There must be corroborative evidence, something concrete to back the accusation.

But I guess that's the point. Those who have been the victims, survivors of any kind of assault need to document. Keep a journal, write it down, record it somewhere so that if the time comes to bring those actions to light, the facts are straight.

I really think that can be the most empowering thing- to do something about it. Write it down, date the document, take pictures, organize the report. Share your story, help others in similar situations, support them and help them process and move forward.

How to Lose a Woman in 10 Days

This was going to be a very different post. But now...

I'll just leave this here. I think deceit, whether by commission or omission, is the biggest character-flaw deal breaker I can think of.

If you want to stay with me, DO. NOT. Lie to me. Be real about things- your heart, your situation, your life. Be honest.

But if you want me to drop you like a hot potato, lie. Just blow smoke, stretch the truth until it's completely unrecognizable, make promises you have absolutely no intention of keeping. Lie.

Different dreams

Am I normal? I switched from loving him, being fully committed to him.. ok, exasperated, but committed... To being completely done, burn the bridge and walk away... And I did it in an instant. Is that normal?

Yeah, I cried.. for like 2 minutes. Then I was done. And I mean really done. Done crying, done with him, ready to move on. I've cried since, when he's sounding so-so sincere, and begs me to come back. And I've been tempted to go back. But then I don't want to. But that switch- it was so fast, so immediate. Is that normal? Is that healthy? It almost feels like I'm sociopathic b/c I am able now to be so-so-so cold about him.

Did I ever actually love him?

Like I don't even fantasize about him. I don't dream about dancing with him in the kitchen.

I don't browse Pinterest for ideas for the business we wanted to start.

I don't even dream about the little girl we wanted to adopt and her little sister and her brothers. I don't think about the names we picked out for them think about the nicknames we made up for these children. I can't see their faces anymore.

I don't even think about what to pack for the places we wanted to go.

It's all just dead inside.

Now, I dream about having my own place and decorating it all boho and my fairy lights and books and my bed. Not sharing my home with anyone. Just me.

I Quit my Job Because of Zero Tolerance

I recently quit my job because of their zero tolerance for violence.

I know that doesn't sound right. "Zero Tolerance" should make me feel safer, but it didn't. Here's my story.

One day I got called in to talk with my supervisor. She told me that I had been "aggressive" with a security guy. II didn't remember getting aggressive with anyone, nevermind a security person. But apparently a couple weeks before, I had been less than effective with the (old and very laggy) sign-in computer. The security guy began pushing my hands from the keyboard in an attempt to help and I had batted his hand away.

I was called aggressive and was reprimanded for this action, told that we were to show the security people "the utmost respect," no matter what. I was even told I could have lost my job for it! (Was that a threat?)

I had not needed his help. I had not asked for his help. His behavior was presumptions and overbearing.. and, dare I say, aggressive.

The next day at our start-up meeting at the beginning of shift, the issue was presented to everyone. We were to treat security personnel with "the utmost respect at all times," as they would be the first to respond if something happened (injury, accident, etc). I couldn't help but wonder why someone's behavior would change how they did their job.

Found on Pinterest, from Tumblr, pulled from a blog somewhere.
Also, incredibly eloquent.

 
He was in a position of power. I didn't treat him as the authority figure he expected, so he didn't feel obligated to treat me as a human being.

I wondered how far this zero-tolerance went, what was defined as aggression would translate to other scenarios....

I had a transsexual supervisor at this company and I struggled to consistently use the preferred pronouns and references (him vs her, sir vs ma'am, etc). Somehow, my reaction was to use the pronouns and references that applied to the original biological sex-chromosome expression. Would using the wrong pronouns and references be considered "aggression"..? Would I get reprimanded for that? Could I get suspended for it? Could I lose my job b/c of it?

The reality is that I've never been a fan of  "Zero Tolerance" policies- in schools, in workplaces. They just don't take into account reality. I've heard too many stories of a primary aggressor getting away with it, and the recipient of that original aggression gets nailed with a reprimand or other disciplinary action when they defend themselves.

The only place in this country where self defense is not allowed is at "Zero Tolerance" sites. That's ridiculous, wrong, and unfortunately, I don't have answers or solutions.

Suggestions?

When I Discovered Tumblr

Tumbler. The land of rabbit-holes. You happen upon one interesting piece, which leads you to another similar piece.. and another and another, and suddenly you realize you've spent hours reading!! HOURS!!!

Probably the first rabbit-hole I discovered on Tumblr was "Humans are Weird," addressing human behavior, various human cultures and practices from the perspective of theoretical alien life.

~ Baring of teeth is generally seen as a threatening behavior, even here on Earth within the animal kingdom.. but consider a human smile?
~ We seem to be an apex predator (top of the food chain, master of the planet). But we have no fangs, claws, talons, poison, etc. We don't even have the basic defenses of fur or scales. So how did we become the top of the food chain?
~ General medical practices- surgery, transplanting organs, vaccinations, metal implants in bones (or any kind of implants for vital or cosmetic purposes).
~ Body modifications- piercings, tattoos, dying of hair.
~ Basic biology- baby teeth, pregnancy, menstruation.

~ Culture... Uh, which one? We have hundreds of cultures on this planet, each with their own set of customs, holidays, languages, taboos, religions, etc, and even those aren't consistent- some cultures have multiple languages and religions.

~ Psychology- emotions and various emotional responses, "intrusive thoughts," developmental psychology, criminal psych, the drive of curiosity.

One piece I recently read was a story about a mixed-species crew that got captured. Well, some of them did. The non-human captain felt it was a lost cause to attempt a rescue, but one if the crew, a human female, absconds with a shuttle and comes back with the missing crew members.

Which got me to thinking.... Some species here on Earth specialize, mostly insects. Their body shape defines their role in their society. But most humans are pretty versatile. I'm kinda small (5'3", 140 lb), but I could do most any work, theoretically, from hair dressing to construction (sort of?), to chef to child care provider, even a fighter or something in entertainment. But we don't. Our personalities and personal preferences (both completely invisible to the casual alien observer) often dictate what we choose to be.

*****

The OIUD:S made first contact with the sentient species of the planet 6 months ago. They were fond of speaking and hearing their own voice. They really wouldn't ever shut up! So the OUID:S thought it would be an easy planet to conquer. The beings of that planet were all talk.

Little did they know that talk is all politicians do. Little did they know that there were more than politicians on that little blue and green backwater planet.

The OUID:S had promised peaceful exchanges of culture, technology. But their idea of a "peaceful exchange of culture and technology" took the form of expecting the humans to be  peacefully mowed down by the alien technology.

At first, it was catastrophic. Washington DC became a ghost town in an afternoon. London, too. many major political cities followed.

As they wiped out the political hubs, the militaries of the planet activated. In addressing the trouble those caused, the OUID:S discovered something.
OUID:S vs air forces- RAF, USAF, Luftwaffe. Their jets ere embarrassingly easy to puck out of the sky.
OUID:S vs navies- The ocean was a little trickier. The OUID:S homeworld was arid, but adapting the technology to find the vessels below the surface of the vast oceans didn't take their scientists long.
OUID:S vs armies- It was no contest. The OUID:S infrared vision was able to see past the camouflage used to hide their presence from their own kind.
OUID:S vs the US Marines....

The OUID:S were much like many of the social insect species of Earth- one species, but a variety of morphologies- different body types for different roles in their communities. So the Earth sentients were a little confusing: one basic body type, but so many roles... and often those roles overlapped layers upon layers within one individual. Hairdressers were also child care providers and chefs and weekend warriors. Trash collectors were also athletes and motivational speakers. They were really a surprisingly adaptable species.

That's part of why the Marines confused and surprised the OUID:S. The Marines looked like all the others. But they didn't act like the others.. sometimes. It was that change that surprised the invaders. They expected these yammering, squishy, vertical creatures to be so easy to wipe away.

But the US Marines changed that. Their tactics surprised. Their ferocity terrified. Their tenacity wore down defenses, both physical and psychological.

The OUID:S had never encountered anything like this. It was as if these "Devil Dogs," as they called themselves were determined to bring hell to the aliens. There were surprise attacks where captives were taken. Some were killed summarily, while others were tortured to gain information about the enemy. The OUID:S didn't think they had any weaknesses when they arrived. But the Marines educated them otherwise.

Somehow, these Devil Dogs put the fear of a new god in the OUID:S. The god was an eagle, above a representation of this little backwater planet.. and an anchor.

Eventually, when the Humans began exploring space, they put the US Marine Corps flag on their vessels.. and never realized that the courtesy that other races gave them was simply well-veiled fear for the fiercest race in the known universe.

MAGA!

America- what makes this country different?

We are all immigrants from somewhere (yes, even the Native Americans came here from somewhere else).

Here, blood and lineage means nothing. In some places, who your father's father's father was is a vital key to where you stand socially.

We all have equal chances, for both success and failure. Granted, the outcomes may be different because of talent, interest, skill, or ability (seriously, I would be a sorry candidate for the NBA or NFL, NHL, MLB, etc)- but the option is there for those who are passionate.

Here we are free-er than anywhere else on the planet. We can vote, carry guns, disagree and dissent. We have the right to a fair trial, and appeal if we so choose.

So what was it that made America great in the first place?

Many think it was the middle class. The US was essentially the first place with a decent-sized middle class.

Others think it's "The Land of Opportunity".. which it used to be, but not so much anymore. New immigrants are encouraged to sign up for benefits, rather than being encouraged to find work, gain an education, or start their own entrepreneurial experience.

Is it the protection of the individual's rights? Maybe it's the concept of "rights" in general- we do have more here than anywhere else.

What do you think?

The Things in my Life

We all have a lot of things in our lives. Some Things ding when there's stuff. Some Things buzz and beep. Some Things go bump in the night. Some Things just sit there and collect dust. Some are greater Things and some are lesser Things. But all these things require a certain amount of attention- dusting and cleaning, checking and feeding, and sometimes the Things just need to be looked at.

So a while back, I had a little bit of spare time, so I attended to a lesser Thing. Then a greater Thing needed attention, so I set the lesser Thing aside. That's how it works, right? Priorities.

Well, the problem is the greater Thing got upset, feared I was hiding something. Or maybe I felt that the greater Thing was an intrusion. I tried to explain, but it didn't work.

So what do I do about the pushback? I want to honor my priorities, giving place to greater Things first, over lesser Things. But when greater Things push for lesser Things to come first...?

Clothes Make the Man

The missionaries spoke in church a couple weeks ago. As they walked up the aisle to the stand, I was struck by their attire: a business suit, and a backpack.

An interesting juxtaposition. A symbol of power, and a symbol of work and students.

But isn't that what they do? Is that not what they are?

As "ambassadors of the Lord," they represent the best, and most honorable this church has to offer. They represent all the righteousness, respectability, and goodness we have to offer the world.

That's the suit.

As ambassadors of the Lord, they seek to do as He did. And He worked. He wasn't sitting on cushions in some back room ordering acolytes to do His bidding. He was out in the crowd, talking to people, healing them, teaching them, even feeding them when the need arose. And they are learning to be like Him, studying and practicing His ways.

That's the backpack.