In the middle of the updates....
As I've been feeding my Pinterest addiction, I've been finding a lot of Pins about relationships (fancy that!), about how they end, the emotional aftermath, what happens when someone runs into their ex 5 years down the road and that awkward small talk...
Here's the thing. Most of these Pins talk about the broken heart and the crying and the "I miss him/her" and the "I still love him with a little corner of my heart" stuff.
But I don't think I do. I don't. Every memory I have is tainted. I question everything he ever said, everything he ever did. Why did he say that- was it even true? Why did he do that thing- was it another bid to try to control me?
And I question that he even actually loved me. Yeah, he may have thought he did. But love.. real love, the love that moves us to support and encourage and above all, not hurt or manipulate the person we love.... Yeah, he didn't love me, not real love.
I was in love with him, at one point. But the way he treated me through the entire relationship, the roller coaster, the lies, the guilt trips and pity parties (manipulation)- those eroded that first flush of excitement about having him in my life. I didn't truly believe him because of the lies he told at the beginning. I trusted him in some ways. But in others, I didn't.
And honestly, I shouldn't have trusted him at all. After that first lie, I should have kicked him out on his ear! I should have packed his stuff and left it on the front step. I should have called his sister to come get him and never let him in my life again!
Here's the thing:
As much as it hurts that he lied (oh so many lies!), that he betrayed me on such a fundamental level, and that he did it so consistently and without regard to my wellbeing, I know it had nothing to do with me. His lack of integrity wasn't about me or who I was/am or what I did or didn't do to or for him.
His behavior was exactly that- his. It was him. It was all about the quality of his own character. His actions were his and his alone to own.
I think between this and telling what happened to me, that's where my healing is coming from.
