Yeah, I get that leaving is probably one of the most dangerous things a victim of domestic violence/abuse can do. Abusers are like children- big children, big children who don't like their playthings misbehaving or leaving.
But at the same time, if leaving became a common thing that happened when someone became abusive, even a little, then bigger abuse wouldn't happen as often.
~If a high school girl dumped her boyfriend after prom because he put his hand where it had no business being...
~If a young man broke up with his fiance' when she flipped out and screamed at him for no reason...
~If a wife moved out the first time she found solid indication of his infidelity...
If abusive and unhealthy treatment of a partner resulted in the immediate and decisive end of the relationship more often, obviously, abusive relationships wouldn't last as long. And maybe potential abusers wouldn't get in the habit of feeling entitled to objectify other human beings and treat them in such deplorable ways. "Nip it in the bud," before the action has a chance to become a habit, a pattern.
When I hear of a woman staying with a cheating husband, a man who has had years to establish what kind of person he really is, a man who has consistently and repeatedly acted in complete and utter disregard of his wife's heart, it completely boggles me. Why is she staying with him? Despite the hurt he's inflicted, despite the reality that she knows he has, is, and will continue to philander and thereby put not just her heart, but also her health and safety at risk... She stays with him.. WHY???? This staying-behavior only serves to teach him that it's ok to continue his dalliances. And it certainly doesn't serve her best interests. She continues to put herself through the heartache, the risk of STDs that he could so easily bring home!
When I hear about someone staying with a partner that loses their temper shouting and cursing at them, I wonder why. NOthing.. NOTHING that you're doing makes that kind of treatment ok. Today it's shouting, cursing in front of the kids, calling you names. What will it be tomorrow? Leave the first time he pulls that kind of thing. Don't wait. Don't hope things will get better- because even "better" is part of a worsening pattern. And patterns don't lie.
When I see someone staying committed to an addict partner (no matter the poison of choice), especially when the addict shows no sign of even wanting recovery, I shake my head. Why are you staying with someone who clearly does not make you a priority. Their poison of choice is the ONE AND ONLY priority in their life. EVERYTHING they do is to secure their access to their hit, to protect their dealer/source. If that means lying, so be it. If that means sabotaging you or your life, they are actually really ok with that. If it means putting you or your children in danger, the addict sincerely doesn't care. The only thing that matters to them is their addiction. And that attitude deserves no loyalty, no respect. Leave.
Why is it even a question whether to stay with someone who is ok with hurting you?
Maybe there needs to be louder support for domestic abuse victims. Maybe there needs to be education about what non-physical abuse looks like. Maybe we need to provide more and better mental health supports for those who are at risk, those who are/did grow up in abusive homes, who think that love looks like control and denigration.
