Sunday, March 13, 2011

My Anniversary

Last Sunday was my anniversary- one year since my divorce papers were signed. It was a reflective day.

I looked at the things he’d done through the 10 years of our marriage to slowly break my heart. I will probably always wonder if there were things I could have said or done to help him understand how much these behaviors hurt, what messages I was getting when he did those things.

It takes two to tango so I’m not blameless, either. I know I also did things that seriously damaged the foundations of our marriage, things that really hurt him.

I wonder sometimes, about all these things that led up to my asking him for a divorce- things he did, decisions I made, stuff that “just happened,” even things others said and did that affected our relationship. I regret some of my behavior, wishing I could get a do-over. Other things, I’m grateful I did what I did, because it led me to where I am now.

In the last year, I’ve learned a lot… mostly about myself.
  • I’m more blunt/up-front with most people, but still afraid to tell my mom stuff I know she doesn’t want to hear.
  • I’m more aware of the power and influence I have as a woman, and I’ll probably always be reluctant to use aspects of it it to use people.
  • I’m better at understanding what I want, but sometimes (probably too often) afraid to stand up and ask for it.
  • I’m better at letting go of feeling responsible for others’ actions, but I still hold on to regrets, self-bashing mentalities, and a keen awareness of my imperfections.
  • I realize that people lie... for a lot of different reasons, and I know this doesn’t make it ok for me to be less-than honest.
  • I know that I’ve made mistakes- broken rules, broken hearts. I’m fixing that... and it feels good to get back in His good graces.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

I Feel Rich!

I got back from grocery shopping the other day, and as I was putting stuff away, restocking my fridge and the little pantry in the kitchen, I realized something-  I feel rich!

When I have a full fridge and pantry, when there’s food to eat, I feel rich- I feel blessed, I have enough. I can make all kinds of things- taco soup, potato casserole, vegetable side dishes, cookies, quesadillas, hot chocolate. Just for breakfast, I can choose cold cereal, or hot.. or pancakes.. or eggs.. or a pancake with an egg in the middle.. hashbrowns, anyone?

Coming home from grocery shopping.. and paying bills.. well, being done with paying bills and seeing there’s still at least a little bit in the checking account.

So why does this make me feel so very… rich? Thoughts?