Sunday, December 13, 2015


Welcome back! I know it's been a while. Things were crazy-busy there for a while. Well, they still are, to be honest.

I want to talk about something I haven't really delved into much.. at all, let alone here. Infertility, specifically my own infertility. No, I'm not going to go into the specifics of my own case, but I am going to explore some of the emotional factor of the experience.

The other day I was listening to this podcast, and put down some thoughts.

I was diagnosed and defined as infertile at the age of 18. I was a "good girl", a senior in high school.. and a little miffed: I'd been raised to see motherhood as the highest calling of women; I had wanted to be a mom since I was told that little girls grow up to mommies (about 2 or 3 years old); and at 17, God had promised me that I would be a mother. But now, there wasn't a darn thing I could do about it. No pills, potions, or positions were going to "fix" my infertility.

The only way I was going to be a mother was through the grace of God and generosity (and very possibly heartbreak) of another woman: fostering, adoption, or surrogacy.

I married when I was 24. Maybe a little later than some, but not unusually so. We were never able to get our stuff together to do any of the above.. and because of other things, we ended up getting a divorce.

Yes, through all this, dear friends and family were having babies left and right. They were so often really great about how they approached it, for which I was and still am so very grateful.

I did my best to not show the hurt I felt at their joy. I was angry, hurt, left-out, ignored and rejected by God, even! It still hurts. Even though I'm now remarried and a fostermother of six amazing crazy wild kids, there are still things that hurt.

Like my ex getting remarried, which he did within about 4 months of our divorce. Then, they had a baby a year or so ago..ohh, that hurt! That was probably the most painful of all of the baby announcements. I don't know if I even have the words to describe how that felt. He did so much stupid in our marriage that prevented us from being able to have children.... It felt like God was ok with giving him children.. but for some reason, I didn't deserve it. I wasn't good enough... and maybe never will be?

I think that has been the hardest part- feeling insufficient.

I know these feelings are inacurate- they don't reflect truth.. but the feelings are real. They exist and they are so very difficult to deal with, mostly because they're conflicted! Yes, I am jealous of women who can and do get pregnant if their husband looks at them. I'm jealous of the women whose infertility journeys end.
But I'm also so very happy that babies still happen. I'm excited when a good strong marriage results in happy, smart, well-adjusted kids. I'm grateful when women choose to give birth instead of abort.

So, what do you say to a woman who has just told you that she can't have children? Don't suggest solutions, because chances are, she's already aware of the options... and the costs.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

More Research Needed

With the 2016 political season heating up.. yes, I know it's still 2015- that's how it goes. Anyway, with the 2016 US presidential race starting, I want to share some of my thoughts on some of the candidates. (These are just my rough draft notes.)

Hillary Clinton:
Former first lady of Arkansas, former first lady of the nation, former secretary of state.
Also corruption, bribery, treason (Bengazi), violating security (emails).. and the concerning habit her (and her husband's) political opponents in AK had of dying. Once can be explained away.. but five?.. that's a downright disturbing trend! Btw, about Bengazi and these hits.. does that count as conspiracy to commit murder?.

Bernie Sanders:
First, let's look at that name. Sorry, but even Obama ditched the diminutive "Barry".
Anyway.. mayor, senator of Vermont, self-described "democratic socialist".. and with that, I'm done. I'm not voting for a socialist. Socialism has proven time and again that it doesn't work. Sure, the numbers are swell, but in practical application, the thing just doesn't work.

Jeb Bush:
Again with the nicknames. Seriously, nobody's gonna take us seriously if we're representing with a guy named "Jeb".. can you say Beverly Hill Billies?
Florida governor, campaign manager extraordinaire... and toker...? Dunno if anyone else has seen the pattern, but we've had two POTUS's who have admitted to smoking pot in college. Neither were exactly impressive in my book. Sure, one said, "I didn't inhale".. and the other was dubbed "Interceptor" by his clam-bake buddies for reaching across the toke circle and taking a drag out of turn.
While both his brother and his dad did alright, I'm not seeing the same patriotism and conservative pattern in him. Oh, and there's just not much to go on here.

Ben Carson:
While I love his stand on Obamacare, I'm not digging his stand on the 2nd Amendment. I think he's very ill-prepared for the high stakes of the national arena.

Chris Christie:
At least his nickname (born Christopher James) isn't hill-billy or a diminutive.
Attorney, Atty general for New Jersey, chief federal law enforcement officer for NJ, governor of NJ.
Sometimes played a little fast and loose with penalties for corruption, simply to get the thing done. While I like the idea of someone who will get the job done, after Obama's phone/pen attitude, I don't know I'm wiling to back someone who will play "fast and loose."

Ted Cruz:
Attorney (helped prosecute then-POTUS Clinton), Texas solicitor general (supporting conservative cases), TX senator.
Supported conservative cases- gun rights, 10-commandment displays, fought Obamacare.

Mark Everson:
Cabinet member for Indiana governor, IRS commissioner, board of governors for Red Cross
What has he done?... Again, not much there

Carly Fioina:
Ok, the name. Carly is fine for a woman as it is a feminine form. But her last name.. I still stumble over it. Not sure what can be done about it though.
Business executive for AT&T/HP, an advisory board for the CIA.
Supports the conservative agenda in many ways- abortion, gay rights/gay marriage. She hasn't said anything about the 2nd Amendment, though. Also, breast cancer survivor... and she went on The View and represented well against the liberal women there.

Jim Gilore:
Military service, attorney, governor of Virginia.
As governor, figured out how to reduce taxes AND maintain a balanced budget AT THE SAME TIME!!!
That's some kind of magic in the political world, something I'd love to see in the next administration!

Mike Huckabee:
Pastor, Lt governor and then governor of Arkansas,
Opposes abortion, gay marriage, Obamacare, evolution, illegal immigration. Supports the military and the 2nd Amendment
Kinda mixy with the Dem/Rep thing. Is he a Democrat or a Republican? I'm not sure.. is he? If it weren't for the party-waffling, I'd be tempted.

Donald Trump:
Businessman, celebrity, bazillionaire.
Made and lost fortunes. Claims to be Republican, conservative.. but he supports gun control?
In addition, I really don't think he's prepared for the reality that we have a nation built on checks and balances. Is he capable of working WITH Congress to fix this nation? To the detriment of our nation, Obama bulldozed over Congress and bullied the Supreme Court. If Donald does that, is he any better?

Scott Walker:
Wisconsin state assembly, WI governor.
Fought big unions, balanced the state budget, supported voter ID laws, made abortions a little more personal. Not sure how he feels about 2nd Amendment, though. But so far, so good.

In conclusion, I think I need to make a chart:
The two Dems listed are not even worth talking about as one is a joke (ie: believes that even though thousands of years proves otherwise, he can make it work) and the other is a criminal.
And the Reps are a mixed bag of good-but-not-much-to-go-on and are-they-serious-?.. so I'm gonna work on this a little more. Maybe come back with a chart.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

The Other Invisible Hurt

When I was a little girl, I discovered something mind-boggling:

Kittens grow up to be cats.
Puppies grow up to be dogs.
The coolest of all?
Little girls grow up to be mommies with babies of their own.

That was the most exciting and wonderful news I'd ever heard. Granted, I was only 3 at the time, but boy-howdy, I thought my mom was pretty great, so of course, I wanted to be a mommy, too!

But I'm childless. Some may see that as a selfish choice. But it's not a choice.. at least in my case. I was born this way... and no, not like that. I have a birth defect that renders me completely infertile. I didn't know until I was 18.

People who lose their children have something. They had a child in their lives that they got to know. They have a grave to visit. People who lose a baby in infancy- they have a grave, a hospital bill that said there was a thing that happened. Even women who miscarry feel like their pain and grief is invisible have the memory of a pregnancy.

But my pain is truly invisible. My grief is for the nothing that might have been something. My pain is about nothing. I sometimes feel like I would have to draw attention to it for anyone to see my hurt.. and I would feel somewhere between awkward and really awkward doing that... so I don't.

I just sit in the dark in a corner and hurt and cry in silence.
And eat ice cream. Chocolate ice cream. I firmly believe in the efficacy of chocolate therapy... if there were any chocolate in the house.