Monday, December 12, 2011

Alone... But Not Really

I hate being alone. Yes, I asked him for the divorce, but I still hate being alone. I have a roommate and a dog, sure... but it’s not the same.
I miss being married. Of course, I miss the physical intimacy, but there’s so much more to marriage than sex!

I miss the camaraderie and being part of a team. The two of you have a goal; you’re both working toward it, and making strides. You share victory celebrations and commiserate when there are setbacks.
I miss the domestic things- making a meal in the kitchen, folding laundry together, cleaning, yard work, or just hanging out doing your own thing (grown-up parallel play).
I miss the emotional security. He’s your best friend. He’s got your back. He’s your safe place to land at the end of the day. He loves you. He cherishes and treasures you. He craves your presence and touch like you crave his. At the same time, you're his biggest cheerleader and supporter. You're there for him when he comes home from a tear-your-hair-out day at work. You love him and cherish him, too. You’re his... and he's yours.
I ache for this. I want it so desperately. There are days I almost don't want to go home.. because I know nobody's there. There are nights I delay going to bed because I know I'm going to an empty bed. There are times I just want someone to talk to... but nobody's there.

I know a lot of people say that after a breakup you need to be happy being single before you're actually ready to move to the next real relationship.... Well, if that's true, I'm horribly screwed! I don't think I'll ever be truly happy being single. Sometimes the loneliness hurts so much! I want to do foolhardy things just to fill the hole and take way the ache.

The thing is, I know academically that I’m not really alone. There is Someone there. He always has been.

And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

He’s been there. He went there on purpose, specifically so that He could know what it feels like… and exactly what I would need. I know He's there.. but sometimes I just need arms around me.

Monday, December 5, 2011


I know this is a couple weeks late, but this is my Thanksgiving post. I wanted a list of all the things I’m grateful for. While some parts of my life rather suck (seriously, I’m very much NOT where I wanted to be at 36), I truly do have so much for which to be grateful.
Home- I’ve been house-sitting since last Christmas. Sure, I have some very serious responsibilities, but ya can’t beat rent- and utility-free!
Body- My body is healthy and it works the way it’s supposed to. I don’t have any serious chronic illnesses that dramatically affect my life and functionality. Seasonal allergies are nothing compared to so many of the difficulties I see. My senses are reliable, my mind functions, my bones and muscles move like they should, my internal organs work and do what they should.
Clothing- I may have more than some, but it’s not as much some I’ve seen. They’re not as fashionable as I’d sometimes like, but they fit, they look good, and they’re mine… and they’re clean (another addition- functioning appliances!)
Employment- This is probably the toughest/most challenging job I’ve ever had. I struggle with the learning curve. Management says it’s a year, others in my position say it’s actually a LOT longer. But it’s also the best job I’ve ever had. I love the challenge. I enjoy the mental demand. I’m glad that my coworkers are such great men and women.
Family- I may not be in much contact with my brothers, but I know that if push came to shove, they’d come through for me. I’m grateful for my parents and the values they taught me. “Put it back where you found it,” and “Leave it better than you found it,” still rings in my ears! (Love you, Mom!)
Friends- It seems in the last few years, my group of really close friends has gotten smaller, but those who have stuck with me through these last couple years have become all the more valuable. They call me on the carpet for the stupid things I do, encourage me to do the things I should… and the things I need to do to take care of myself. I love my “sisters”!
Food- Seriously, just.. pot roasted carrots, chocolate in all its glorious forms, carrot cake, cheese ravioli, grilled shrimp, chicken noodle soup (with home made noodles, of course!), milk, apples and warm caramel, ice cream, eggs (all kinds of ways.. as long as the white is cooked!), steamed broccoli, tomato with tuna, macaroni and cheese, medium rare steak, a well-made burger with all the trimmings, Parmesan cheese, lasagne, pineapple and pepperoni pizza, barbecue anything, raspberry jam, mashed potatoes and roast beef gravy, rosemary and marjoram.... (Are ya hungry yet?)

This is by no means a comprehensive list. What are you grateful for?