Monday, December 12, 2011

Alone... But Not Really

I hate being alone. Yes, I asked him for the divorce, but I still hate being alone. I have a roommate and a dog, sure... but it’s not the same.
I miss being married. Of course, I miss the physical intimacy, but there’s so much more to marriage than sex!

I miss the camaraderie and being part of a team. The two of you have a goal; you’re both working toward it, and making strides. You share victory celebrations and commiserate when there are setbacks.
I miss the domestic things- making a meal in the kitchen, folding laundry together, cleaning, yard work, or just hanging out doing your own thing (grown-up parallel play).
I miss the emotional security. He’s your best friend. He’s got your back. He’s your safe place to land at the end of the day. He loves you. He cherishes and treasures you. He craves your presence and touch like you crave his. At the same time, you're his biggest cheerleader and supporter. You're there for him when he comes home from a tear-your-hair-out day at work. You love him and cherish him, too. You’re his... and he's yours.
I ache for this. I want it so desperately. There are days I almost don't want to go home.. because I know nobody's there. There are nights I delay going to bed because I know I'm going to an empty bed. There are times I just want someone to talk to... but nobody's there.

I know a lot of people say that after a breakup you need to be happy being single before you're actually ready to move to the next real relationship.... Well, if that's true, I'm horribly screwed! I don't think I'll ever be truly happy being single. Sometimes the loneliness hurts so much! I want to do foolhardy things just to fill the hole and take way the ache.

The thing is, I know academically that I’m not really alone. There is Someone there. He always has been.

And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

He’s been there. He went there on purpose, specifically so that He could know what it feels like… and exactly what I would need. I know He's there.. but sometimes I just need arms around me.

1 comment: