Except that I can't handle it. Or at least I can't handle it all. A year and a half ago, I broke trying to handle it all.
"Before you get to that point, ask for help." I did.. and my plea for help was used against me.
"Why didn't you say something?" Well, because "she's tough- she can handle it." Would I have been taken seriously?
But now I wonder- how much of this did I bring on myself? Was I too tough? Was I unwise to not show my vulnerable side when I was younger? Maybe I hid my hurt too well when I was a kid. Or did I simply follow the examples I saw in others and lash out in anger rather than really feel the hurt?
I don't know.
What I do know is that now, to be vulnerable now scares me. I don't feel safe to show my fear, pain, insecurities, and hurt. I am uncomfortable crying and looking weak in front of others.
There was someone who wanted me to be able to drop that mask. He said he could see the tenderness inside, and he wanted me to be able to share that with the world. And I wanted that!! I wanted to be able to be generous and tender, loving and supportive and nurturing.
Maybe some day it will happen.
