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Writing prompt: You adopt four teenage girls. As time passes, you begin to realize each of them represents a horseman of the Apocalypse. All hell breaks loose when Famine steals War's boyfriend.

"Juli, how could you?!? You jerk! You, you.. OH!" Serena beat her fists on the kitchen counter and fled to her room.

Julienne just looked at the fleeing figure of her sister.

Well, they weren't blood sisters, but they were my girls. All four of them.

Serena had been the first to come to our home 6 months ago. At first I had thought she was a quiet girl. But really she was simmering. She was always simmering, waiting for a reason to blow! She was War, but I didn't realize until after the others came.

Julienne was placed in our home a month later. Poor girl was so thin she looked anorexic. She ate like there wouldn't be any food tomorrow, but she never gained weight. She took the food I bought for special events, ate the treats I bought for the other girls, even started on the food storage we'd been working to save in case of natural disaster. She was Famine.

Candace was the next one. She came to us about 3 months ago. Her name means pure.. but she was anything but.  It only took a few weeks for her room to become a disaster. Food and wrappers, trash, dirty dishes, dirty clothes. I don't know if the mess attracted ants... or worse. I didn't want to look. Pestilence.

Aurora joined our family just a month ago. Quiet, but not like Serena was. She was calm under the quiet, not waiting to explode. She was still and quiet and... Death. I had to take out a flowerbed by her bedroom window because everything died.

The Four Girls of the Apocalypse... in my house!

The shouting in the kitchen was just the first. It got worse. Juli's things began to go missing. Irritating things- part of a favorite outfit, one shoe but not the other. We didn't know it was Serena at first. Who else would be upset enough to take Juli's things?

One morning, in the chaos that is four girls getting ready for school, Juli screamed from the bathroom. "My eyEBROW!!!" Just one had been shaved. I let Juli go to school late while we figured out what to do: shave the other and practice with an eyebrow pencil.

As I was showing her, we started talking. As a good mom, I asked her how things were going in school. She mentioned her new boyfriend.... who had the same name as Serena's boyfriend. And looked the same as the boy Serena had described to me shortly before Juli had joined the family.

Juli had stolen Serena's boyfriend.

No wonder Serena had been so upset! I don't know if Juli knew he'd been dating her sister when she met the boy 2 months ago. But I feared the damage had already been done.

That night, I asked Serena to stay up when the other girls headed to bed.

"Serena, how have you been?"

"Fine."

"No, I don't want the pat answer. What's going on between you and Juli?"

"I don't know what you mean, Mrs G. Things are just fine."

"Serena..." My mom-voice was about to get a workout.

"Really, things are fine. Can I go to bed?"

"How about things with Ben? How is he doing?"

"I'm fine, and I guess he's fine, too." There was an edge to it when she said he was *fine*... There was the simmer. But it was hotter than a simmer. She was mad. So I waited. "Julie kissed Ben last week. She fucking kissed him! He's my boyfriend, not hers. She had no right to talk to him let alone kiss him!! He isn't even... good, I want her to suffer. I'm going to destroy her!!"

"Honey, I know you're angry and hurt and you probably feel betrayed and rejected. And you probably think your heart will break into a million piec..."

She cut me off. "Maybe 4 days ago, not anymore. I just want her destroyed. I want her beaten into submission. I want the guys in this high school to think of her as the pariah she is!"

It all came out in a jumble. I had to calm her down before she did something we would all regret.

Merry Christmas!

This year has been a roller coaster!.. and not a good one. There have been a lot of ups and downs, I think more downs than ups, but I'm still alive and breathing (not entirely joking there), and for that, I'm grateful.

I thought I'd share with you my Christmas letter to Santa.



Dear Santa,
This year has been kinda, really rough. I've been through a lot. I know I haven't been the best, but I've tried, and maybe that counts for something?

For Christmas this year, I'd like socks. I know this is a corny thing to want for Christmas, but I've been wearing long (knee-high) socks to work, and I've found I kind of love them!

On a more serious note... I could use a really good job. Something I'm well-suited for, that meets my needs and allows me to start planning for some really big ambitious plans in the next couple years. Full time at $11.25/hr just alright, but isn't quite cutting it.

I want to feel safe. You know the tough things that have happened in the last 6 months (Updates 1, 2, 3, and 4) so you know that my safety has been a concern. I want to feel safe. He will be sentenced the morning of February 6. This state puts a cap on the sentence for the charge he plead guilty to: 3 years. Add the 3-5 years of prison time waiting for him in Utah, and I just might have enough time to get my situation settled and secure before he's released. I want to know that whatever his sentence is will be what he needs to mend his ways, correct his attitude and thinking behaviors so he's not a danger/threat to me or to society.

I need to start really paying attention to my health. I would love to be able to have a full physical done. I had one done a number of years ago, but joining the over-40 club, I know there are some baseline tests I need to get done.. even though I'm really NOT looking forward to my first mammogram!

I want to find love. I'd really like to meet (or if I already know him, be directed to recognize him) that guy who will treasure me. A man who will be honest and honorable, respectful and respectable, kind, intelligent, and protect me and my heart.

I know not all of these will fit under the tree, but maybe if you could manage helping me find the ones that won't fit, I'd really appreciate it.

Just Me

General Update- Details Part 4

So a few weeks ago, I gave a general update. First on the update was that I realized that my boyfriend was abusive. Second was that I moved. Third was that I cut ties with my now-exboyfriend. As a refresher from that post:
"That has been a wild ride. Those of you who are familiar with the situation, I got tired of the lies and manipulation. I really cut ties, went "no-contact" on 11 Sept (total coincidence). I haven't said anything to him since. He's certainly attempted to communicate with me. But he has heard nothing from me since. I did what I had to do in order to stay safe. Hopefully, with the help of the authorities, this chapter of my life will be closed soon."

So here's the timeline:
September 11: I went no-contact. I told him I was done with his lies, drama, and manipulations. I asked he not contact me again, either directly or by a third party or I would get a protective order.
He responded with over 75 messages (through various avenues) over the course of the next hour and a half. If they had been "Baby, I'm sorry- what can I do to make it right?" I might have let it slide.. I just might have even replied. But they weren't. "If you do that, I'll make your life a living hell...." Several curse words were used gratuitously, name calling, threats, accusations, scary claims that he would find me and hurt me....*

September 12: I got a protective order. I didn't expect that piece of paper to change his behavior and I was right- it didn't. But I knew it was the beginning of a paper trail I was fully willing to follow as far as I needed to in order to be safe and free of him.

September 14: He was served. He sent me three emails an hour after he was served. And I reported it.

September 21: The temporary protective order was made permanent and he was served that day.... Because he was in jail on an unrelated charge.

September 23: I made another police report. This was actually the third police report I had made. The first two had been about his violating the protective order. That is a misdemeanor, and because we were in different states, neither state would do anything about it. This time, though, I spoke with a deputy who informed me that "attempting to force someone to do something against their will, while holding something over their heads is a felony..." Like extortion or blackmail? Yep. Very interesting! She came over and we talked. She took pictures of my screenshots**. She got a felony warrant- extraditable.

September 25: He was arrested through cooperation between his probation officer and the local police. I've had blissful peace since!!

*Note: This kind of communication happened every day for the two weeks between my request for no-contact and his arrest. He threatened to find me, kidnap me, hurt me, and kill me. He demanded I block certain friends, respond to his communication, and put on the engagement ring he had given me. He claimed to be watching me in person, to have hacked my accounts and was watching what I did online and on my phone, and to have drugged me at one point before I left!

**Note: I took screenshots of everything he did- texts, Facebook messages, emails, call logs, Pinterest messages, etc. I saved them to my computer. I sent them to a trusted friend who also saved them. And I gave them to the police each time I made a report. A copy is also on a flash drive held by another trusted friend.

October 7: He was extradited to my state/county. It had me a little panicked when I found out he was just down the road.. but I'm ok with him being in the local Greybar Hotel. He hasn't contacted me since!

November 15: I contacted his exwife.. estranged wife. We have compared notes. Just wow! The things! All the things! This man is well and truly a liar, a cheat, and an abuser (physically, emotionally). He is a danger and a threat to me, his wife, his current relationship, and to society in general.

December 12: Plea hearing. He accepted the plea deal offered by the prosecution and plead guilty to one felony count of stalking. Everything else was dropped (not exactly happy about this, but ok). His sentencing hearing will be on February 6th and could result in prison time, jail time, a halfway house, or probation. I'll keep y'all posted. I felt it was appropriate to wait until after he had entered his plea before I posted this update. He still has 3-5 years of prison waiting for him in Utah (for violating probation on unrelated charges) when he's done with his sentence here. I'm sad for those who love him and have been relying on him. But I'm glad that he's away. He can't hurt anyone where he is.

After Abuse

Sure, it's hard being alone after being with an abuser. One of their primary tactics is control- which often comes in the form of being there, being present in your life every minute!.. yes, even when they're not actually physically present. There are phone calls, texts, and even protocols they expect when they're not around.

That constant presence can be difficult to recuperate from when the victim leaves the relationship.

And it has been. I've really been struggling lately.

I feel so lonely! I miss having someone to talk to, someone to hug/be hugged by. I sure don't miss him- never fear, I wouldn't go back!!!

I'm trying to be smart, not rush into something just to have someone, but this loneliness almost hurts. I want.. need someone to just hold me sometimes. And there's nobody.

I'm trying so hard to not let this feeling push me to rush into something. I'm trying to be smart- take my time to find someone who is worth my time and will treat me right. But it's  been soooo hard the last couple weeks.

I probably look like I'm doing fine. I know I'm less stressed now that.. stuff.. yeah. But I still feel like a hot mess:

I struggle with some emotional regulation.

I cry at stupid stuff, the least little bit of compassion and I start tearing up. But I hide that. I don't like to look weak or come across as being dramatic or hysterical.

I get angry easier than I used to.

But I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I'm getting there.

Intermission

In the middle of the updates....

As I've been feeding my Pinterest addiction, I've been finding a lot of Pins about relationships (fancy that!), about how they end, the emotional aftermath, what happens when someone runs into their ex 5 years down the road and that awkward small talk...

Here's the thing. Most of these Pins talk about the broken heart and the crying and the "I miss him/her" and the "I still love him with a little corner of my heart" stuff.

But I don't think I do. I don't. Every memory I have is tainted. I question everything he ever said, everything he ever did. Why did he say that- was it even true? Why did he do that thing- was it another bid to try to control me?

And I question that he even actually loved me. Yeah, he may have thought he did. But love.. real love, the love that moves us to support and encourage and above all, not hurt or manipulate the person we love.... Yeah, he didn't love me, not real love.

I was in love with him, at one point. But the way he treated me through the entire relationship, the roller coaster, the lies, the guilt trips and pity parties (manipulation)- those eroded that first flush of excitement about having him in my life. I didn't truly believe him because of the lies he told at the beginning. I trusted him in some ways. But in others, I didn't.

And honestly, I shouldn't have trusted him at all. After that first lie, I should have kicked him out on his ear! I should have packed his stuff and left it on the front step. I should have called his sister to come get him and never let him in my life again!

Here's the thing:
As much as it hurts that he lied (oh so many lies!), that he betrayed me on such a fundamental level, and that he did it so consistently and without regard to my wellbeing, I know it had nothing to do with me. His lack of integrity wasn't about me or who I was/am or what I did or didn't do to or for him.

His behavior was exactly that- his. It was him. It was all about the quality of his own character. His actions were his and his alone to own.

I think between this and telling what happened to me, that's where my healing is coming from.