Meta-Post

Today's post is about my blog and what it means to me. I know I don't have many readers, so in general, the reason for this blog is more about me. I don't really write FOR my readers.. but I kinda do, but I don't, but I do....

See, I first started this blog to work on my writing skills- make my writing a concise, clear communication. It was about the wordsmithing.

It has kinda morphed some since then. Sure, I'm still practicing writing. But I also use this space to work out stuff in my head. Things I see in the news, things I live in my life, issues I'm processing. This is a kind of therapy for me. As such, I've made a couple rules for myself:

1- Never go back and edit a post once it's published. I've only done that once.. maybe twice.
2- Never take down a post once it's up. I've had to do that recently, and I apologize for having to take it down, but it was kinda necessary.

3- Thumper rule: if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all. My variation: if it's unkind, I don't say it. And if it's a drama-issue, I try to include compassion, acknowledging the struggles felt on all sides.

Sometimes I write about issues, sometimes I write about people... because this world is full of people. My life is made of people. Sometimes they end up in my blog. Dear sweet SIL who scraped the snow and ice off my car one Christmas! When I helped my parents' darling neighbor lady with her car. Ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands.

A situation has come up recently that I now have to censor some of those things. To be on the safe side, I may not be posting here for a while. I'll have to find another, more private way to write and process my life.

I know this is vague- it kinda has to be, and I apologize, especially to those who have been with me from the very beginning.

Farewell. I wish you all the best!

The Why

A coworker who's been off for a week or so (her daughter was supposed to have her baby.. no baby yet) came back to work this week. She hasn't seen me since the wedding, so she asked how I like married life. I'm not sure if she's aware that I've been married before, but anyway... I told her, "I dig it!" She grinned.

Then she asked an interesting question: When did you know he was husband material?

When I was on my way to one of our first dates and I got a flat tire. I texted him to let him know I'd be late and why. He asked if I needed help, and I did: I didn't have a jack in my car (ugh!). He replied that he was on his way.

When he told me about his challenges connecting with his daughter, and I shared my own experiences as a daughter. I broke down a little... and he hugged me. He didn't shy away or get awkward. He put his arm around me and pulled me in.

He cooks. He is always looking up new recipes and making them.

He knows he has emotional baggage and is working with a therapist to process and heal from them. And he's shared those things with me.

His mom's Dad-jokes on Facebook.

His insistence that I take care of my own body when I am tired or hungry or not feeling well. He won't let me just push through. He will make me stop and tend to those needs I'm so used to setting aside so other needful things get done.

Confirmation

This was a conversation I had with my therapist a couple months ago... I'm grateful for this confirmation that this was a good decision.

Therapist: So what do you think is the biggest thing stopping you from saying yes to him?

Me: I don't trust my own gut instincts.

T: Well, there are no perfect relationships.

M: I know... I just want happy and safe.

T: What does safe look like?

M: Honesty, disclosure.. no, those two aren't quite the same. Similar, but not quite.

T: What else?

M: Compassion and empathy. Again kinda the same, but not quite. And respect.

T: Are any of those missing?

M: No...

September

September is rough for me.

I have a lot of difficult memories, hard things that happened in Septembers of past years.

Last September, 2019, I was finally finding some happiness. Or at least fun!

Two years ago, in September 2018, I had just left an abusive relationship. I'm sure ya'll remember, right? Yeah, that was rough.

Four years ago, in September 2016, I was ending my second marriage, the end of a 3-and-a-half year train wreck.

This year, I'm growing in a new relationship. I love it!

But I'm also finally in a safe place, both physically and emotionally, that I can really start healing. Which means that messy stuff is being brought to the surface.

The human body deals with stress in a number of ways. Sometimes the stress strains the immune system and the body becomes more susceptible to invasion. Sickness, infections, even autoimmune diseases then become a bigger part of life.

Sometimes the brain, the physical organ inside the skull gets overloaded and mental health issues arise, resulting in anxiety and panic disorders, depression, or phobias of various forms.

Sometimes the body develops another physical manifestation. This is mine:

I unconsciously tuck my thumb inside my fingers, and curl my wrist. Don't know why this particular movement, but that's what happens. If I'm driving, or my hands are holding/hanging on to something, my thumb will stroke the inside of the steering wheel or whatever as if it can't find it's proper place.

This has happened when I was near the courthouse- I think because that's the last place I saw the abuser. It's happened randomly at the grocery store or other times I've been out in public, but not sure why... I'm still working on that one.

This has been happening more recently, so I got to thinking.. and that's when I realized that yes, September is rough for me. So yeah, that's something new.

The customer is NOT always right

The customer is always right, right?

WRONG!!

I don't know who originally said this, but I'd like to slap them... or make them work retail for 6 months.

This idea has become such an ingrained part of our (American) culture that I 100% believe it is the greatest single cause of employee abuse. Sure, there are awful managers, but when society at large thinks the customer is always right, then that clearly means that when the customer doesn't get what he/she wants, it's the employee's fault.

It isn't because of laws or company policies.
It couldn't possibly be the actual availability of the product or capacity of the company's system to do what the customer wants.

It most definitely is the (incompetent, lazy, rude) employee's fault for not being able to wiggle their nose, push the Easy Button...

Doesn't every company have an Easy Button??

Or wave their hands to make the customer's every wish come true. Really, karen??

The "I need to speak to your manager" haircut.

Being the person I am, I had to investigate and I found THIS article. Please give it a read, because really, the author says everything I want to say here. Really- just go read it.

I'm a Rape Survivor

I'm a rape survivor.

I wasn't drunk or slipped a mickey in a club. I wasn't attacked while out on my morning jog. I wasn't jumped in a dark alley. I wasn't left bleeding or bruised.

But it was still without real consent. My consent was with reservation and under threat of reprisal.

I was raped by the man I was married to at the time. I knew that if I did not accommodate him, he would be unpleasant and downright miserable to live with until I did so.

During the act, I focused on relaxing so his behavior wouldn't damage my body. But emotionally, I checked out. Yes, I was still there physically. But my mind and heart were not engaged with him. I was irritated and annoyed, maybe even a little angry at him. His desires and "needs" were more important than me and my well-being.

Look close- sex is listed in the physiological needs.
It doesn't belong there- nobody has died because they didn't get to have sex.

The next morning, I told him that my consent had been under duress. He didn't apologize or thank me for my willingness to accommodate him anyway. Instead, he said, "I know." Wrong answer. His entitled perception about my body made me even angrier!

Did I just call my ex-husband a rapist? Yes, I did!

Am I worried about what his family, friends, and neighbors will think? Nope. Unless this statement causes them to rethink how they view him.

(Yes, I do believe that marital rape happens. It's a thing. Sure, vows and all, but the reality is that my body (and that of any other married individual) still belongs to that person, and consent, even within marriage is still subject to change at any time.)

The reality is that he's much more than a rapist. He's actually a sex addict. And this is just one way he would act out during our marriage. He believed as my husband, he was categorically entitled to my body, my time, and my attention- the whole intent of my existence was to fill his expectations. He would become insufferably superior, abrasive, and disparaging until I accommodated his sexual demands. He would talk about his health issues with anyone who would stand still long enough, despite the obvious inappropriateness of the subject matter and setting. Because of course he had the right.

I know there are those who will disagree. That's their deal. The reality is that yes, that exhusband is a rapist and a sex addict... and one tick box short of a narcissist.


Note: My dear husband helped me with this post, and actually encouraged me to write and publish it. He feels it's important to my healing. I think he's amazing.

Old, New, Borrowed, Blue

So yeah, that happened last Saturday (a week ago).

We met some time late April via a dating app. We both swiped right, and started messaging. We went on a walk at the nearby Nature Center, and talked for an hour or two, I think? I don't remember. Lots of walks, lots of talking.

A month later, we started talking about a future together. Then, because of some very plain-spoken prodding from a dear friend, we got engaged!

We read together and went shopping.

And more walks.

Of course, a Corona Wedding would not be complete without masks!

Thank you, Cupid!

I'm incredibly blessed to have this man in my life!!!

He says, "I'm blessed to have that woman in my life!"

Love Letter

Originally written a couple months ago:

Dear Sweetheart~

I miss you! I miss you holding my hand or touching my back in a crowd. I miss that look you give me across the table at breakfast... or is it over dinner? My ears are tuned to your voice- I can pick your laugh out of a crowd any day of the week!

I know that right now, you may be far away or possibly unbelievably close. You may be tall or short or thin or beefy or pudgy. Your hair may be blond or dark.. or you might be bald. Maybe you work in an office. Or in a store. Maybe you are an every day hero (doctor, EMT, law enforcement, firefighter...). You might have been a father before we met. Or maybe it's just you and me and the dog(s).

Those things don't matter- See, the important thing is how your face softens when you think about me. The way you are tuned to me like I'm tuned to you. My day isn't complete without at least a "Hey there" from you. And yours isn't complete without... whatever it is that reminds you that I love you.

I don't know where.. or even who you are, but I miss you.





Updated recently to add:

Dear Sweetheart~

Oh, I love you so very much! I still miss you when you're gone, even if it's in the other room. I want to see you, be near you always.

I love how your face lights up when you look at me. Whether it's while [redacted], or when you've told the punch line to a funny story. My ears are indeed tuned to your voice, and I love to hear it, no matter what we're talking about.

I couldn't have even guessed how close you really were. I had your information the whole time and didn't even know. Yes, you're tall, a little pudgy, but beefy underneath. Balding is beautiful on you. You love learning and are studying to enrich your life and others'. Your children love you, and I can see they trust you in everything.

You are indeed my hero, in so many ways!  I am overwhelmed with your willingness to come help me fix a tire, protect me, and even hold me when I'm overwhelmed.

I'm indeed grateful and feel lucky/blessed to have you in my life!

Analogies, Parables, and Teaching Stories- Part 9

I know, it's been a while. Lots of life happening. But I still want to keep this place alive.. even if it's only barely.

Anyway.....

I've always had a thing for analogies, parables, and the like. As teaching tools, they use every-day situations and ideas to explain complex principles, making those complex ideas a whole lot easier to understand. Often, they can explain ideas that would otherwise be nigh impossible to explain accurately.

Jesus Himself used parables all the time in His teaching. Sometimes this was to make the teaching of a certain principle easier. But often He didn't give an explanation. He simply allowed people to take from the "nice story" what they would- an act of mercy, given that we are each held accountable for following the doctrines we understand.

The first in this series was about ducks. The second one was about medicine.. and salvation. The third was about math class. The fourth was about engines and society. The fifth was about dirt. Number six was about my grandma's puzzles. My seventh was about light- lightning vs. a flashlight. The last one (yes, it was forever ago) was about butterflies and their life cycle. Today I'm going to talk about pie.

Pie is amazing stuff. Crispy, flakey, buttery pastry surrounding fruit or meat and vegetables, or even in the case of quiche, egg and vegetables. Gotta love pie!

But if the pie has to be shared among too many people, there may not be enough, or maybe everyone gets a piece, but it's just a too-small piece.

When we're kids, we often think that the human heart's capacity for love is a pie. There's only so much to go around, and if there are more people to share with, that means there's less for me, right?

Then we grow up and marry or become parents (or both)... and we realize that the human heart isn't a pie. It's a kitchen. We realize that often, when we have more people to love, our heart just makes another pie. And everyone gets their own wholeness of love. Sure, some may get peach or apple pie. Others may get a chicken pot pie or other savory meat pie. But it's all good- because everyone gets a whole pie.

And our Father has the biggest kitchen of all!.. PIE FOR EVERYONE!

Why is This Even a Question??

There are few things that baffle me more than someone who stays in an unhealthy or unsafe relationship.

Yeah, I get that leaving is probably one of the most dangerous things a victim of domestic violence/abuse can do. Abusers are like children- big children, big children who don't like their playthings misbehaving or leaving.

But at the same time, if leaving became a common thing that happened when someone became abusive, even a little, then bigger abuse wouldn't happen as often.

~If a high school girl dumped her boyfriend after prom because he put his hand where it had no business being...
~If a young man broke up with his fiance' when she flipped out and screamed at him for no reason...
~If a wife moved out the first time she found solid indication of his infidelity...

If abusive and unhealthy treatment of a partner resulted in the immediate and decisive end of the relationship more often, obviously, abusive relationships wouldn't last as long. And maybe potential abusers wouldn't get in the habit of feeling entitled to objectify other human beings and treat them in such deplorable ways. "Nip it in the bud," before the action has a chance to become a habit, a pattern.

When I hear of a woman staying with a cheating husband, a man who has had years to establish what kind of person he really is, a man who has consistently and repeatedly acted in complete and utter disregard of his wife's heart, it completely boggles me. Why is she staying with him? Despite the hurt he's inflicted, despite the reality that she knows he has, is, and will continue to philander and thereby put not just her heart, but also her health and safety at risk... She stays with him.. WHY???? This staying-behavior only serves to teach him that it's ok to continue his dalliances. And it certainly doesn't serve her best interests. She continues to put herself through the heartache, the risk of STDs that he could so easily bring home!

When I hear about someone staying with a partner that loses their temper shouting and cursing at them, I wonder why. NOthing.. NOTHING that you're doing makes that kind of treatment ok. Today it's shouting, cursing in front of the kids, calling you names. What will it be tomorrow? Leave the first time he pulls that kind of thing. Don't wait. Don't hope things will get better- because even "better" is part of a worsening pattern. And patterns don't lie.

When I see someone staying committed to an addict partner (no matter the poison of choice), especially when the addict shows no sign of even wanting recovery, I shake my head. Why are you staying with someone who clearly does not make you a priority. Their poison of choice is the ONE AND ONLY priority in their life. EVERYTHING they do is to secure their access to their hit, to protect their dealer/source. If that means lying, so be it. If that means sabotaging you or your life, they are actually really ok with that. If it means putting you or your children in danger, the addict sincerely doesn't care. The only thing that matters to them is their addiction. And that attitude deserves no loyalty, no respect. Leave.

Why is it even a question whether to stay with someone who is ok with hurting you?

Maybe there needs to be louder support for domestic abuse victims. Maybe there needs to be education about what non-physical abuse looks like. Maybe we need to provide more and better mental health supports for those who are at risk, those who are/did grow up in abusive homes, who think that love looks like control and denigration.

Random Ramblings... *sigh

Have you ever had an encounter that ended too soon? Like there was sooo much more to that tonguelashing that I wanted to give them!

I do. I often review conversations in my mind. Sometimes it's because something didn't match up or maybe felt off. Sometimes the conversation didn't go well, and I try to figure out if there was something I could have done differently to create a better outcome.

But sometimes, it's just, "And another thing- you were totally wrong on this point.. and this one. And actually, you discredited yourself only about a dozen times!"

Yeah, that happens to me more often than I'd like to admit.

So I write it out.. and then I sit on it for a week or two (or months or...). And eventually I think better of it and just leave my mouth shut. So maybe it's for the best. I know they're wrong, confused, misinformed, etc. Sometimes, that's enough.

Late for Dinner

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I'll take being called pretty much anything except stupid and "late for dinner."

When my second husband said, "It sounds like someone has talked you back into (insert my original stand on the issue)," I realized I wanted to be done with that marriage. I was done trying to make it work.

When the guy at the Milwaukee Penske shop feigned ignorance regarding the customer #/customer name and PO# for maintenance on our car, I knew I could never name a child Lawrence.

When a customer tells me what is and isn't possible, demanding things that are against company policy (or even the law), my givadamn breaks.

I'll take all the ugly things people call those they hate... but I know I'm not stupid. And I sure don't want to be late for dinner!

I'm a Feminist... of Sorts.

There, I said it. I'm a feminist... sort of.

My feminism is rooted in the reality that biology is sexist.

Mammalian reproduction puts the female at a certain disadvantage biologically, especially human reproduction. No other mammals are at greater risk for the baby getting stuck during labor and delivery, resulting in the potential death of both mother and baby. This is a risk men never directly experience. Yes, many men will be with their partner during childbirth, but he's not going to die if things go sideways. She might.. and the baby might. But he never will. Add the time commitment to raise offspring from infant to adulthood, or even some semblance of independence, and having children becomes a very serious commitment that often falls to women.

In addition, the average human female is smaller (shorter, physically weaker, shorter reach) than the average human male. Some species are reversed. But in humans, when it comes to hand-to-hand fighting, guys have the upper hand (pun intended).

Place these two blatant differences between men and women into the Western economic context (especially considering the nuances of the workplace, taxes, benefits, etc), and it's pretty clear that women are at a distinct disadvantage both economically and physically.

But this becomes a bigger issue when the reality becomes evident that our society gives less value (as measured by the almighty dollar) to the work women (choose to?) do. It seems that the more Deity values a woman's work, the less society values that same work. SAHMs are often denigrated by society, told that they're lazy, or that what they do at home with their children "isn't really work" or that they're gold-diggers who let their husbands "support" them.

And acknowledging these realities seems to be off-putting to many.