I'm a Rape Survivor

I'm a rape survivor.

I wasn't drunk or slipped a mickey in a club. I wasn't attacked while out on my morning jog. I wasn't jumped in a dark alley. I wasn't left bleeding or bruised.

But it was still without real consent. My consent was with reservation and under threat of reprisal.

I was raped by the man I was married to at the time. I knew that if I did not accommodate him, he would be unpleasant and downright miserable to live with until I did so.

During the act, I focused on relaxing so his behavior wouldn't damage my body. But emotionally, I checked out. Yes, I was still there physically. But my mind and heart were not engaged with him. I was irritated and annoyed, maybe even a little angry at him. His desires and "needs" were more important than me and my well-being.

Look close- sex is listed in the physiological needs.
It doesn't belong there- nobody has died because they didn't get to have sex.

The next morning, I told him that my consent had been under duress. He didn't apologize or thank me for my willingness to accommodate him anyway. Instead, he said, "I know." Wrong answer. His entitled perception about my body made me even angrier!

Did I just call my ex-husband a rapist? Yes, I did!

Am I worried about what his family, friends, and neighbors will think? Nope. Unless this statement causes them to rethink how they view him.

(Yes, I do believe that marital rape happens. It's a thing. Sure, vows and all, but the reality is that my body (and that of any other married individual) still belongs to that person, and consent, even within marriage is still subject to change at any time.)

The reality is that he's much more than a rapist. He's actually a sex addict. And this is just one way he would act out during our marriage. He believed as my husband, he was categorically entitled to my body, my time, and my attention- the whole intent of my existence was to fill his expectations. He would become insufferably superior, abrasive, and disparaging until I accommodated his sexual demands. He would talk about his health issues with anyone who would stand still long enough, despite the obvious inappropriateness of the subject matter and setting. Because of course he had the right.

I know there are those who will disagree. That's their deal. The reality is that yes, that exhusband is a rapist and a sex addict... and one tick box short of a narcissist.


Note: My dear husband helped me with this post, and actually encouraged me to write and publish it. He feels it's important to my healing. I think he's amazing.