Of mirrors and microscopes

A lot of people in the last five or ten years, possibly more have really struggled with feelings about the Christian faith. They feel judged, ostracized, left out, and often targeted and judged for a myriad of reasons.

And it got me to thinking. See, in Exodus, the finger of God wrote, "Thou shalt not commit adultery." He didn't write "Thou shalt make sure thy neighbor Bob does not commit adultery."

Which in turn led me to realize, God meant His commandments to be used, not as a microscope to analyze investigate and pick apart others, but rather, He meant His commandments to be used as a mirror, to be used for honest reflection of our own strengths as well as weaknesses.

Talk to ya later- I gotta go check a mirror ;)

Tired

I'm tired.

tired of guys who act like pigs and think that threatening is the way to get a woman to like them.

I'm tired.

tired of men who talk but don't walk, who promise the stars but can't even deliver the moon.

I'm tired.

tired of men who are lazy- they want a woman to fix their lives so they don't have to put fort any effort.

I'm tired.

tired of men who refuse to do any of the emotional labor of maintaining a relationship.

I'm tired.

tired of hoping, waiting, looking for a guy who has his head and heart and life together.

I'm tired.

tired of looking for a man who is willing, able, and eager to participate in a relationship.

I'm tired.

tired of being told "the one" is out there, but not even knowing where he is.. or what I need to do to be able to find him... or be found by him.

I'm tired.

tired of being told I have every right to a sweet loving supportive relationship.. but nobody wants to have that relationship.

I'm tired.

of working 40-hour weeks, spending the money I make on debt that was incurred because I put a relationship first.

I'm tired.

tired of busting my tail and not seeing any progress.

I'm tired.

tired of being alone.

I'm just tired.

Or maybe this is what cynical looks like.

Or jaded.

Or bitter.

Or just tired.

Abandonment issues

We all have issues- trust issues, mental health issues, general medical health issues, body image issues.....

As I've re-entered the dating world ... AGAIN!... I have worked hard to analyze my own headspace, my baggage and issues.

For a while, I thought I was afraid of love, but a dear friend helped me realize that I'm not afraid of love and commitment. Rather, I'm afraid of what she calls "fake love." I'm afraid that the "nice guy" will turn out not-so-nice. I'm afraid that he'll really be like the crazy ex and actually be a liar, cheater, or abuser.... or some combination of the three.

And I'm afraid he'll change his mind and leave.

First husband left. He decided that he wanted to take a job in another state. So he quit his job, packed a bag, and got in the car. Yeah, we still talked. He came home every couple weeks, but my trust in him was never the same.

Second husband decided he'd rather... I'm not going to go into detail, but he was more than willing to have me leave because I wasn't what he wanted. He wanted me to leave so he could replace me.

Crazy ex left, or at least tried to leave at least once/month... (I shoulda let him!)

Of course there were others where I thought things were going amazing, and then he ghosts me.

So I now find myself drawn to two extremes:

1. 1~ Keep everyone at arm's length. Don't get attached, don't fall in love, don't depend on or rely on anyone. Because if you don't let them in, it doesn't matter if they leave, right?
2. 2~ Turn into the iconic clingy needy girlfriend. Hang on tight, then he can't leave!

Thing is, my brain tells me these options are either ineffective or unattractive (respectively). So I keep the feelings inside. I acknowledge them, name them.... and then put them on a shelf and try to look perfectly normal on the outside.

Is it working? Are you fooled?

Some things I learned this week.

1~ When you cut your finger, let it bleed a little to make sure it's clean. Also, if there's cute guys around, let them be First Aid Guy and they just might hold your hand!

2~ When you ask a stupid question, you might get a stupid answer.

2a~ When you don't ask the question, you might still get a stupid answer.

2b~ Stupid answers should be taken with a grain of salt... Or maybe more than just one grain of salt?

3~ Don't let things fester.

4~ Some people won't ever change, and the best you can do is pat their cheek and say, "Bless your heart!"

My Biggest Relationship Trouble

Seriously, I think my biggest relationship problems are when I ask to be left alone and he doesn't.

KL: We were introduced by a mutual friend. She said originally that his marriage was on the rocks. A few months in, he told me that he had his wife had gotten a divorce. I asked for clarification- signed by the judge, right? Yup.. Then nearly 2 years later, I found out that he was in fact, NOT divorced like he said. I sent:

Wow. Just freaking wow.

Did you really think I wouldn't find out? Do you really think (mutual friend) and I don't talk?

You're a piece of work, lying to me this entire time (yes, I checked- it's been nearly 2 years). Your marriage may have been on the rocks at one time, but saying that you'd gotten a divorce just so you could kiss and make out- that's downright dirty. Then telling me you got back in touch with an "old friend" (your wife, I'm sure), that's a great way to explain away your guilty conscience. Oh, and claiming your "sister" moved in w/her two daughters after a nasty divorce- again, excellent story! Bravo! I bet the "trouble with her ex" on Independence day was actually a family gathering, right?

Y'know, with all the travel you do, I wouldn't be surprised if you had a girl in every port. How many women are you playing, anyway??

Yeah, you could say I'm pissed.. but that would only be the tip of the iceberg. No, we didn't go "all the way," but you're still a philandering jackass who would deserve it all if your wife left you, took those two little girls you two recently adopted, and took you to the cleaners.

Fucking lying sack of shit. Don't contact me again. If you do, I will find you and your family, and I will blow up your happy little lie.

Sent 8/28/12, 8:54pm

 

 WB: Second marriage was on its last legs. We had another argument. I was angry and needed space. He had a history of not allowing that. So I left the house, got in the car, and drove... at 10:30pm. Here's the email conversation that followed:

W: Did you go for a drive or did you meet somebody and break the truce?

Me: I needed time to clear my head and calm my heart. I didn't think you'd give me that if I stayed home. This email proves me right. You are incapable of giving me anything I desperately need. Thank you for reminding me both last night and again with this email why I need to be out of this marriage.

DB: I realized he was abusive, so I left. I explained probably half a dozen times after I left that I needed space to heal from his abuse, betrayal, and lies. When he didn't, I finally went no-contact, he chose to do otherwise and.. yeah.


 

With that in mind, I think that's one of my big things- I want someone who knows me well enough to know that when I'm upset, I need space.... and trusts me enough to know that if he gives me that space, I'll come back when I'm ready.

Re-Entering the Dating World... Again

As I start dating again, I find that some things have changed. Remember my original Deal-Breakers? I realized that those were based on some fundamental assumptions. And we all know what assumptions are ;)

Those assumptions were that I was dealing with someone who was reasonably rational, at least had a basic understanding of what "upstanding member of the community" meant. But as my updates have illustrated, that is something that does NOT "go without saying."

So here's me saying it.
My new deal-breakers (to be addressed before the other list- it's still pretty accurate, so...). It's a short list. I've written it in pretty plain language

Lying.
For real, this is about the fastest way to get rid of me. I can see fudging a little, glossing over the ugly truth some at the beginning of a relationship. I'm not a fan, but I understand it. But flat-out lies are gonna make me run, and run fast. I won't want or even seek revenge. I'll just be gone, ghost.

Breaking the Law.
Stuff happens, and I get that. But blatant and flagrant disregard for the law isn't gonna fly, either. Laws, local statutes, and even company policies are there for a reason. Most rules are either to prevent harm, illness or injury; avoid financial loss; or to make life easier for all involved. Some legislation isn't well thought out, and may be a knee-jerk reaction motivated by these reasons, but often, the intent is one of these reasons. Just follow the rules, yeah?

Abusive.
I don't give too turds why you think you should get to treat others with disregard, disrespect, unkindness, or use and manipulate them with impunity. Don't. It's a ginormous turnoff. I see you treating others like this, and I may roll my eyes when in the moment, but whatever I may have felt for you will be pretty near gone. Besides, if you treat others like that, what's stopping you from treating me like that??


With that said, I feel like I'm getting really good at seeing the precursors of these patterns. Or at least I'm a lot more sensitive to them. It's a bigger issue to me if someone does one of these things. I've met guys with pretty fantastic stories about work... and I just don't quite believe it. I've met guys who were rude about my "ignoring" them while I was on the clock at work. I've had men approach me who didn't have their lives together in any sense of the term.