As I've re-entered the dating world ... AGAIN!... I have worked hard to analyze my own headspace, my baggage and issues.
For a while, I thought I was afraid of love, but a dear friend helped me realize that I'm not afraid of love and commitment. Rather, I'm afraid of what she calls "fake love." I'm afraid that the "nice guy" will turn out not-so-nice. I'm afraid that he'll really be like the crazy ex and actually be a liar, cheater, or abuser.... or some combination of the three.
And I'm afraid he'll change his mind and leave.
First husband left. He decided that he wanted to take a job in another state. So he quit his job, packed a bag, and got in the car. Yeah, we still talked. He came home every couple weeks, but my trust in him was never the same.
Second husband decided he'd rather... I'm not going to go into detail, but he was more than willing to have me leave because I wasn't what he wanted. He wanted me to leave so he could replace me.
Crazy ex left, or at least tried to leave at least once/month... (I shoulda let him!)
Of course there were others where I thought things were going amazing, and then he ghosts me.
So I now find myself drawn to two extremes:
- 1~ Keep everyone at arm's length. Don't get attached, don't fall in love, don't depend on or rely on anyone. Because if you don't let them in, it doesn't matter if they leave, right?
- 2~ Turn into the iconic clingy needy girlfriend. Hang on tight, then he can't leave!
Thing is, my brain tells me these options are either ineffective or unattractive (respectively). So I keep the feelings inside. I acknowledge them, name them.... and then put them on a shelf and try to look perfectly normal on the outside.
Is it working? Are you fooled?
