Sunday, January 1, 2017

New Year, New Me

Going into a new year, I'm working on healing and becoming whole. But that seems to require... a definition of boundaries, where my accountability ends and his begins. I'm willing to accept my own accountability, but not his. I'm not responsible for his behavior and his choices, no matter the reasons.


Cluster-B personality disorders:

At 8:18-- Ex would bobble-head. That's what I called it. I would bring up something he'd done that was hurtful or not productive, what have you, and he'd agree- "Nod and smile, boys".. "Yeah, I should do XYZ to change and be better..." But the change wouldn't happen.

Or "Yeah, but you did ____ , so this is the pot calling the kettle black." The reality is that it doesn't matter who calls the kettle black, because the kettle is still black and needs cleaning! I'd tell him to bring up my stuff at another time, make it a different conversation, but justifying his behavior b/c of mine wasn't ok.

A lot of this has made me second-guess my own head- was I the abusive person?

Did I do enough to be the best wife for him that I could be and meet his (reasonable) needs?
Did I fight for "us" hard enough?
Did I expect too much of him?
Did I make my happiness his job?
Did I justify my behavior b/c of his behavior and how he treated me?
Was I manipulative toward him?
Did I shift blame?

Did I give up on our marriage too soon?

But videos like this help so much!!!

I tried to be enough. I fought for him against  his horrible exwife (as he painted her.. I know better now) who seemed to be doing everything she could to keep the kids from him. I put out when I didn't feel like it (more times than I'd like to admit). I tried to redecorate so that the house was more him/me than him/her. I cooked, cleaned, sorted, organized, loved, tried to be what I thought he needed in a wife.

I don't think I expected too much of him. He would say he was going to do something... but then he wouldn't. Was I not enough to inspire action?

Generally, I'm a happy person. It wasn't his job to "make me happy".. rather it was his job to do what he said he would.. and he never did. I wasn't unhappy. I was disappointed, and learned that I didn't matter to him.

To a degree, I justified. I was hurting. I had been made to feel inferior, worth less (not the same as worthless), not-enough, and eventually, I felt vilified. And I was angry about it.
I think I became manipulative once I realized that being honest and transparent, being clear and direct wasn't going to get my needs met.
I didn't/don't shift blame. I know where I messed up. I know what I should have done instead. I don't paint myself as a martyr. But I also refuse to allow him to get away with claiming to be a martyr.

I still, and maybe always will wonder about the timing of giving up on "us." I don't think I did it too soon.. but did I wait too long? Or rather, did I really give it my best effort? Did I fight hard enough while I was invested? (quality vs quantity)

Listening to this woman speak, I realize that yes, my husband is indeed bipolar (despite his rejecting the diagnosis). It may not be particularly severe, but it is there. I didn't see the movie-version of bipolar (crazy shopping sprees and risk taking vs crying and laying in bed all day). So without realizing it, I enabled his refusal, his rejection of treatment. I allowed him to become the abuser he was.

I'm moving on now. My only concern is about his next victim. Will she see it soon enough? Will she push him to get help? Will she get out before she breaks?

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