Of mirrors and microscopes

A lot of people in the last five or ten years, possibly more have really struggled with feelings about the Christian faith. They feel judged, ostracized, left out, and often targeted and judged for a myriad of reasons.

And it got me to thinking. See, in Exodus, the finger of God wrote, "Thou shalt not commit adultery." He didn't write "Thou shalt make sure thy neighbor Bob does not commit adultery."

Which in turn led me to realize, God meant His commandments to be used, not as a microscope to analyze investigate and pick apart others, but rather, He meant His commandments to be used as a mirror, to be used for honest reflection of our own strengths as well as weaknesses.

Talk to ya later- I gotta go check a mirror ;)

Tired

I'm tired.

tired of guys who act like pigs and think that threatening is the way to get a woman to like them.

I'm tired.

tired of men who talk but don't walk, who promise the stars but can't even deliver the moon.

I'm tired.

tired of men who are lazy- they want a woman to fix their lives so they don't have to put fort any effort.

I'm tired.

tired of men who refuse to do any of the emotional labor of maintaining a relationship.

I'm tired.

tired of hoping, waiting, looking for a guy who has his head and heart and life together.

I'm tired.

tired of looking for a man who is willing, able, and eager to participate in a relationship.

I'm tired.

tired of being told "the one" is out there, but not even knowing where he is.. or what I need to do to be able to find him... or be found by him.

I'm tired.

tired of being told I have every right to a sweet loving supportive relationship.. but nobody wants to have that relationship.

I'm tired.

of working 40-hour weeks, spending the money I make on debt that was incurred because I put a relationship first.

I'm tired.

tired of busting my tail and not seeing any progress.

I'm tired.

tired of being alone.

I'm just tired.

Or maybe this is what cynical looks like.

Or jaded.

Or bitter.

Or just tired.

Abandonment issues

We all have issues- trust issues, mental health issues, general medical health issues, body image issues.....

As I've re-entered the dating world ... AGAIN!... I have worked hard to analyze my own headspace, my baggage and issues.

For a while, I thought I was afraid of love, but a dear friend helped me realize that I'm not afraid of love and commitment. Rather, I'm afraid of what she calls "fake love." I'm afraid that the "nice guy" will turn out not-so-nice. I'm afraid that he'll really be like the crazy ex and actually be a liar, cheater, or abuser.... or some combination of the three.

And I'm afraid he'll change his mind and leave.

First husband left. He decided that he wanted to take a job in another state. So he quit his job, packed a bag, and got in the car. Yeah, we still talked. He came home every couple weeks, but my trust in him was never the same.

Second husband decided he'd rather... I'm not going to go into detail, but he was more than willing to have me leave because I wasn't what he wanted. He wanted me to leave so he could replace me.

Crazy ex left, or at least tried to leave at least once/month... (I shoulda let him!)

Of course there were others where I thought things were going amazing, and then he ghosts me.

So I now find myself drawn to two extremes:

1. 1~ Keep everyone at arm's length. Don't get attached, don't fall in love, don't depend on or rely on anyone. Because if you don't let them in, it doesn't matter if they leave, right?
2. 2~ Turn into the iconic clingy needy girlfriend. Hang on tight, then he can't leave!

Thing is, my brain tells me these options are either ineffective or unattractive (respectively). So I keep the feelings inside. I acknowledge them, name them.... and then put them on a shelf and try to look perfectly normal on the outside.

Is it working? Are you fooled?