I'm a good actress. I've worn the mask of Molly Mormon for a long time. But that isn't who.. what I always am. For the last about 2 years, I've really struggled. My testimony took a couple really hard hits... And those hits were at least partially my own fault.
Asking the wrong question, and not being patient, and not being open to "outside the box" answers.
There was a Thing in my life and I couldn't reconcile it with my own capacities and the principles of the gospel.
I prayed for a solution. Others involved also prayed for solutions. Leaders had no direction other than "pray about it".... Because we hadn't? The answers didn't come. And answers didn't come. And they didn't come and didn't come and didn't come. I felt abandoned by Father. I still knew academically that He was there, but it felt like He thought I didn't "need" or deserve His help as much as others.. or maybe my prayers got lost in the shuffle, or He couldn't be bothered by the effort or time to answer me.
If I didn't get answers, why pray? Or attend church? Or bother with the Word of Wisdom or Law of Chastity, or any of the other things we are asked to do?
Why even stay a member of this church?
After things completely fell apart, and the Thing was taken from my bundle of burdens, I was talking with a friend. She's young, beautiful, and wiser than I suspect she realized. And not LDS. I told her about these changes in my life. She said that my answer was the ability and strength to leave the Thing. It wasn't really my Thing to begin with, not my burden to bear.
Father didn't expect me to continue to live with that burden. He didn't not-answer. Rather, He guided me and directed me and prepared me to do what needed done for my protection from further collateral damage from the Thing.
I didn't always follow that direction, and I paid the consequences for those choices.
But my Rescuer still helped me get out.
And that was my answer.
I'm still not back... completely, but maybe I'm making progress.