Sunday, April 30, 2017

New Discoveries and Uncomfortable Things

Disclaimer- this post is going to talk about some very sensitive and personal things. If discussion about "marital relations" is upsetting, triggering, or uncomfortable to you.. or if you're under 18, please pass. My intent is not to upset my readers, rather to teach, enlighten, and inform. If you do choose to pass on this post, I will not be offended in the least- in fact, here's the TL/DR version of this post:
One of the major problems in my second marriage was because
I was responding emotionally on a subconscious level to one of his dysfunctions.

 (I'll post some pictures to give the more-sensitive readers a chance to close the tab/window without having to read stuff that makes them uncomfortable.)



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You've been warned, but you're still here. I applaud your courage.

As most of you know, I was married for 3 and a half years to a man with two huge dysfunctions. One diagnosis he outright rejects and it remains completely untreated and unmanaged. Today, I'm talking about the other one.... but I'm not actually going to talk about his dysfunction. I'm going to talk about my reactions to that particular dysfunction.

He is a sex addict. He sees sex as necessary to his functionality. He doesn't see sex as optional, as icing on the cake of life. Because of that attitude, everything he did physically with me- hugs, holding hands, kissing- was with the end goal of sex in mind.

Not intimacy, just sex.

Remember:

Sex and Intimacy are not the same thing.

Intimacy doesn't necessarily require removal or moving of clothing. Emotional intimacy is about being honest with yourself and your partner, being vulnerable to each other, and providing a safe place for your partner to be vulnerable.

About Year 2, I developed what I'm going to call "sexual apathy" toward him. I had no interest in sex with the man I was married to. This wasn't normal to me. My first husband and I enjoyed a healthy sexual facet throughout our 10-year marriage. So this loss of interest bothered me- something was wrong!

Then around our 3rd anniversary in the spring of 2016, the sexual apathy became sexual repulsion: I distinctly and specifically wanted to not be with him. The idea of being with him sexually was repulsive, gross, yucky. And yes, this desire to not spend time with him extended to other settings besides the bedroom. I knew I had to change something. I knew for a fact he wasn't going to change-- bishops, stake presidents, and other leaders had given him direction, and while he would obey that direction, he didn't accept it as actually applicable to him... And that was the problem- while his behavior may have changed, his attitude didn't. And I believe it never will.

So I asked for a divorce.

He believes the problem is his physiological. I don't know if he will ever see the problem as being (at least in part) his attitude. So I pray for the woman in his life, whoever she may be, whatever her background. I pray that she will have the gift of discernment- that she will be perceptive to his state of mind and his motivations, that she will be aware of her own feelings and state of mind, and be able to keep herself and any children involved safe, both emotionally and physically.

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