Stress Kills!

I took a course a while back on stress management. The first thing we did was take a stressor assessment. This assessment asked about various major and minor life changes that cause stress in our lives- things like divorce, moving, losing or finding a job (yes, both, and they count as two separate events), promotion, demotion, having a child, losing a family member, having a family member move in with you, starting school, etc.

Me on one end, exhus on the other... and six dearly-loved stressors in between!

Then we added up the points associated with each event. Anything over a certain amount indicated a distinct risk of a serious health event in the next 12 months. My score was approximately 3x that amount. Ha! And that was another stressor!

The test was written a couple decades back. The authors felt it was NOT appropriate to adjust the scores for modern life: The human body hasn't changed enough to warrant any change to the health-event risk. Stress levels have changed, but human physiology hasn't.

The level of stress that grade school kids today face has been said to be comparable to what mental ward patients of decades past dealt with. No wonder there's acting out, bullying (some kind of stressor driving that behavior), anxiety, depression, suicide.. and that's just grade school kids! High school kids, and even adults are dealing with these and more!

Adults end up with moodiness, high blood pressure, headaches, body aches and pains, insomnia, gastrointestinal upset (through the entire tract), frequent illness, chest pain....

And really, it's no wonder. Today's world, with the speed at which life is happening, is just not compatible with stable mental and physical health.

The ability to slow down, de-stress, and find peace is invaluable.

So what are you going to do to de-stress today?

Weak

A lot of people think I'm strong. So many have told me that I'm strong and amazing and brilliant and beautiful and independent.

I'm not strong. I'm weak. I'm insecure, afraid, resentful, desperate, anxious, hurt, angry. I'm not beautiful or sexy- I'm plain, basic, even dorky.

I feel powerless, inferior, less-than.

I can't have children. My first husband sabotaged us financially, and my second husband orchestrated a situation that makes it impossible now for me to have the opportunity to adopt or foster any time in the near (or possibly far) future.

I'm underemployed, behind on my bills, in at least $1500 debt, and living with my parents.

I want so much more. I want to support myself. I want to have my own place. I want a relationship- a man who thinks the world of me.

But what do I have to offer?

I'm told I'm all these things. I'm not. I wonder...

Baggage

Every time I think about it, I get angry. I feel betrayed. I feel rejected and neglected. I feel like I was set up.

I did things , made arrangements to try to protect myself- my physical safety, my emotional stability, my mental clarity.

And those things were completely sabotaged and destroyed. I was flayed and laid bare. I was raw.

I tried to get away to get peace and space to heal. And even that wasn't allowed me.

I became desperate, like a cornered animal, driven to find a safe place.

I was trapped attacked and I was served up to those in power, with no compassion or understanding, or even awareness, to be to be bruised, beaten, and used.

And there's no consequences on the other side. This has costed me money and my employment, both current and future. It has costed me my freedoms and rights. I have lost options and opportunities. And there's nothing I can do to get closure, or justice for what was done to me over the course of years.

I'm not renting out space in my head and heart... at least not on purpose. But these things are still very much a part of my life. There is no getting away from the fallout of the manipulation and abuse. I'm stuck with them.