Monday, September 26, 2016

I Don't Like Her

I process by writing. I haven't posted here for way too long.. but I've still written a lot. Recently I went through some of those pieces and read them. It's crazy-making! I hadn't realized how on-edge I'd been!

Frustrated, disrespected, discounted, unappreciated, used, manipulated, mistreated, resentful, angry, bitter, short-tempered, isolated, excluded, avoided and avoidant. Not an attractive picture...  ==>

These aren't the real me. And frankly, I don't like these qualities, especially when I've begun finding them inside myself. I struggled to figure out how to change them, how to become the person I was before all this happened.

I tried telling him, but he blew me off. My best friend talked to him, explained that I'm not who I was, but because she's not perfect, her judgement was in question. And I kept trying to tell him- again and again and again. He would agree and bobble-head that I was right and he needed to change, but no change was ever forthcoming. It just never mattered enough to him.

Through all this, I racked my brain to try to find any way to improve things. I tried every way possible to be what he needed, tried every way possible to ask him for what I needed from him. I even did some really stupid things because I became that desperate to repair and improve things.

But things only got worse. I eventually asked for a divorce last spring. I was finally able to move out around the middle of August. Less than a week at the new place, and friends were already saying I seemed more relaxed, calm, happy.

I'm so excited, I'm giddy! The real me is making a comeback!!!!

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