I Don't Like Her

I process by writing. I haven't posted here for way too long.. but I've still written a lot. Recently I went through some of those pieces and read them. It's crazy-making! I hadn't realized how on-edge I'd been!

Frustrated, disrespected, discounted, unappreciated, used, manipulated, mistreated, resentful, angry, bitter, short-tempered, isolated, excluded, avoided and avoidant. Not an attractive picture...  ==>

These aren't the real me. And frankly, I don't like these qualities, especially when I've begun finding them inside myself. I struggled to figure out how to change them, how to become the person I was before all this happened.

I tried telling him, but he blew me off. My best friend talked to him, explained that I'm not who I was, but because she's not perfect, her judgement was in question. And I kept trying to tell him- again and again and again. He would agree and bobble-head that I was right and he needed to change, but no change was ever forthcoming. It just never mattered enough to him.

Through all this, I racked my brain to try to find any way to improve things. I tried every way possible to be what he needed, tried every way possible to ask him for what I needed from him. I even did some really stupid things because I became that desperate to repair and improve things.

But things only got worse. I eventually asked for a divorce last spring. I was finally able to move out around the middle of August. Less than a week at the new place, and friends were already saying I seemed more relaxed, calm, happy.

I'm so excited, I'm giddy! The real me is making a comeback!!!!

New Words

In the last couple months, I've started fitting things together, putting words to patterns that have bothered me for a long time.

Some of those words are ones that I've thought of since moving out, so I don't know how well they apply, but others have been on my mind for a long time and I've really studied his behavior with those words in mind to see if they match.

Insecure- heck yes!
Jealous- yes
Narcissistic- not sure, new word, but there are definitely some indicators
ADD- very possible
Bipolar- also possible, tricky: this and ADD have similar manifestations.
Delusional- definitely some of this going on.
Verbal abuse- subtle, but it's there
Sexual dysfunction- Hell to the yes!!! That's the whole foundation of our marriage!

He's dysfunctional on a level that is so fundamental to his very nature that he doesn't see how unhealthy he is, how his behavior creates dysfunction and unhealthy coping in those around him.

The parts that worry me most are those who will (had have in the past) catch collateral damage from his dysfunction.

The End

I have a friend who is a very talented psychologist. In some recent training, he saw a video, and shared it with me.

As I watched it, there were so many things I saw that made me re-think even my own behavior, choices, thoughts, and relationships. Sure, I've already decided that I don't like the Bratz dolls (including the Baby Bratz), and I don't like sassy things that are often printed on children's shirts,

But the thing that came to mind that surprised me was the degradation of my own marriage.

At 4:00, there's a list describing "sexualization." The third bullet caught my attention:

Link to Video on Youtube

Not sure if the two are connected, making someone a sexual object.... and not seeing their capacity for independent action and decision-making... but I get both of these from my soon-to-be ex-husband. He has often acted entitled to sexual intimacy, becoming angry or grumpy when I didn't put out. And a number of times, he has expressed lack of confidence in my decision making, my thoughts and input... and then he'll turn around and say he appreciates my skills, talents, and input.

Frankly, ignoring my capacity for independent action and decision-making was the straw that broke this camel's back (I could probably pinpoint the date this happened, too!). "It sounds like someone has convinced you to ..." That was the line. That was the sentence that pushed me over the edge. While those are the words he typed, what I heard, what I read was, "You're too emotionally weak to even stand up for yourself. You're not able to think for yourself. Because you are easily swayed, you should not be trusted to make decisions for your own life."

Anyone who knows me with any amount of familiarity knows that didn't go over well at all. When I realized he was doing that, I decided I didn't want to be married any longer to someone who thought I was incapable or unreliable to make my own decisions. I knew I would not be happy staying with someone who thought I was that deficient.

I've been planning and preparing for single-hood since that conversation.

I'm Just Gonna Leave This Here

I'm just gonna leave this here.

It's subtle at first. But watch how the abusive behavior affects the victim, how it makes everyone uncomfortable. It may be "honest".. but it's also negative and critical... and hurtful.