Monday, April 23, 2012

Answers

I came to realize something yesterday:

God answers prayers, even when they're not spoken..

or even formally thought through.


See, I've been in pain of spirit for a while now. From past posts, you know I'm single and I don't like it. The ache can become (and occasionally has been) overwhelming- the loneliness and the sorrow at what seems like missed opportunities and passed-up blessings has brought me to literally water my pillow in heartbreak.

Saturday evening, I was reading in a book that was recommended to me by my (now ex) in-laws: Spiritual Survival in the Last Days. The first couple chapters discuss God's wrath- the nature of God and how that relates to His wrath, what behaviors in us brings it on, who gets that wrath poured upon them, and what His intent is when pouring out that wrath. The upshot is that everyone who "ripens in iniquity" gets it. His intent is to bring cleansing.. either by destroying those who do not repent or compelling those who would repent to do so. Nobody is safe from receiving at least a little of His wrath, as "we all sin and fall short of the glory of God." In addition, I was reminded that the Lord chastens those he loves."

This reading reminded me of my favorite scripture passage:
11- And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12- And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
Then yesterday, my ward's sacrament meeting began with "Where Can I Turn for Peace":
Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart, searching my soul?


Where, when my aching grows, where when I languish
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand? He, only One.


He answers privately, reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind, Love without end.
When I languish... in my Gethsemane. So eloquently describing the aching spirit!

The first two speakers (mother and daughter working on Personal Progress) spoke about the value of trials and tribulations, that they are indeed for our benefit and growth.

The rest hymn was "Master, the Tempest is Raging." This song never really caught my attention until yesterday. The second verse in particular got to me.:
Master, with anguish of spirit I bow in my grief today.
The depths of my sad heart are troubled. Oh, waken and save, I pray!
Torrents of sin and of anguish sweep o're my sinking soul,
And I perish! I perish! dear Master. Oh, hasten and take control!
The third/last speaker addressed the reality that Father sends/allows trials and hurt to help us build faith in Him, to purify us.. and that there is One who has descended below us all.
 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
 Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.
I have a confession to make- I have been kinda hiding from Him. I know I should pray daily... multiple times each day, even. But I haven't. Because of various things, I've felt unworthy to receive an answer to my questions, to receive the blessings my heart aches for.. or to even talk to Him. So I haven't.

I haven't "called" my Father. I've even ignored the "phone." But yesterday, He called me and left a message on the answering machine. "I know you're hurting, and I know what needs to be done to heal that hurt. I know you don't feel worthy to get answers, to receive help or to even talk to Me. But talk to Me anyway, let Me help you."

I guess I should call.

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