Fathers

For the last almost-year, my husband has really struggled with the lack of communication with his kids. He loves them dearly, but they are pretty uninterested in anything that resembles a relationship with him. He knows there are things he could fix.. if he knew about them, but with no communication, the chances of him learning anything are pretty much nil.

Which brings me to this:

He's waiting.

The relationship between a father and their child is a two-way street, whether it's a very imperfect dad who doesn't always get it right, or a divinely perfect Father.

My husband is also eager and ready-and-waiting for his kids to communicate with him. He has let each of them know that he loves them, and would welcome contact. There have been times I've tempered his desire to reach out to the kids. They've said they want no contact, so as much as he would like to, I've reminded him a couple times of their wishes. We reach out occasionally anyway, just to check the temperature of the water, as it were. There's still no desire to contact, so we pray for them... which is a good thing, given....

Our Father loves us. Sure, there wasn't much communication during the Dark Ages, but y'know, if a kid rejects his parent, the wise parent just waits. God is eager and ready-and-waiting for us to communicate with Him. He won't force it, but He has commanded (for those who recognize such) us repeatedly to pray (code: speak with/communicate with Him). He has promised He will answer prayers, not always in the way we want, but He will answer.

An Older Brother

When I was growing up, I wanted a big brother. The big brother who would take his little sister out for her first date so she knows what a "real gentleman" is like, the big brother who threatens to break any boy who breaks his sister's heart, the big brother who would move heaven and earth to protect his little sister....

And then I realized..

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

I always did!

And I'm Still Childless

When I was 2 or 3, I discovered something that would affect my life forever:
Not only do kittens grow up to be cats and puppies grow up to be dogs.. but....

Little girls grow up to be mommies!

I was promised at 17 in my patriarchal blessing that I would have that opportunity.
Then at 18, I was informed that fertility wasn't a "talent" with which Father had blessed me.

I was perfectly barren. Infertile.

At 24, I married a man I thought would be a wonderful father to adopted children. I guess I was putting the cart before the horse a little- financial stability is one of those unspoken prerequisites for adoption, and financial acumen wasn't one of his talents.

And I remained childless.

I was single again at 34, after 10 years of marriage.

And I was still childless.


I looked for 3 years and found what I felt like was good-enough. We're nowhere near financially secure- more like a financial precipice.

And I'm still childless.

I've seen others' solutions, coping methods...

Many years ago, I came across a childless couple that was collecting donations for their adoption fund. That bothered me. I didn't understand why they thought they should be able to get help. Can't they do it on their own? I thought about setting up an account like that, but it felt wrong to ask others to pay for me to have a baby.

A few months ago, I found another friend was asking for financial help to be able to afford adoption. What's wrong with doing it with their own money? What makes them think it's ok to ask for help? It still felt wrong to ask others to pay for me to become a mother.

Recently, a writer friend posted a blog about miscarriage, and the hurt that entails. No disrespect for his grief, but it upset me. I don't entirely understand why. I'm still working on that. But nobody talks about my ongoing hearthache. Should I talk about my heartache more? Should I bring it up and shame them to silence?

Other friends have gone through infertility, difficult pregnancies, miscarriages, difficult deliveries, almost died/almost lost the baby, premature babies who sometimes die and sometimes survive, challenges with difficult or wayward children. Some have the perfect easy conception, pregnancy, labor/delivery and have beautiful, smart, easy children.

Surrounded by green.. but barren.

Not me, I'm infertile.

No, don't tell me what your cousin's sister-in-law's dog groomer's neighbor did to open her womb. Pills, potions, and positions aren't gonna help, I can guarantee. Don't tell me to "just have faith." You weren't in the doctor's office when she told me what was wrong.

My babies will only come at the grace, good will, and generosity of another woman.

Maybe I'm a little bit jealous. Maybe I'm just bitter. I know my heartache isn't the same as what is felt after a miscarriage, or losing a baby, or watching a wayward child become more.. uh, wayward. But it's still there.

I'm still childless.

But is there a word to describe the dull ache that is never-will? Is there a way to describe to a mother the empty cavern in the heart of the barren woman?

I like having words for things, but better- I like having solutions.

But there are none. At least none that I see. So I just keep walking, praying for wisdom, peace.. something.

What Do You Wanna Hear?

I know it's been ages since I've posted. So here's a question for you- what do you want to hear about?

Politics?
Social ideas?
Religion?
What's going on in my own personal life?
Something funny?.. or something serious?

Tell me what you want to hear!

 











(Mostly because I'm totally stumped for ideas!)

To My Youngest

I want to thank you again for coming down to help sort some things last week. When I got home, Dad said that you'd packed quite a bit to take back to your mom's. This bothers me, not because I don't want you to have your things, but because of what it implies about your feelings about our household.

A month or two ago when you said that I was wasting my time inviting you down here each week and that you were happy with your life at your mom's, and that you didn't want a relationship with your dad, I heard, "You're wasting your time inviting me down, and I don't want to come down, and I don't want to interact with anyone at that house." I know this may be totally inaccurate and not a true reflection of what you want, but that's what I heard, and I've done my best to honor that request. There have even been times when I've tempered things your dad has wanted to do, reminding him that you're not keen on contact.

So I hope you didn't take my request for help as a desire to move you out. What your dad and I want isn't exactly compatible with what you want. Yes, we want you here, but not against your will... which is to not be here. Yes, it's complicated that way.

I don't know when or why you made that decision. Maybe I'll ask someday... and maybe you'll answer when you're ready. And really, there are a lot of things things that I hope to visit with you about some day.

Like how marriages should be.

Like the fact that when a man and woman marry, at least in our society, they do so because they like each other... which means that once upon a time, your parents liked each other... once.

Or the wisdom in spouses taking care of each other in all circumstances- pain or pleasure, inconvenience and ease, in illness and health... something I suspect neither of your parents were very good at, particularly toward the end of their marriage.

Or maybe we will talk about the need to talk- that people who are married need to communicate about everything, even the unpleasant things, and when they feel shut out, go ahead and wait a bit.. but don't let it just sit there and fester- find a way to talk about it... because spouses take care of each other and you can't take care of something you don't know about, or choose denial rather than the realities.

Your parents' marriage wasn't ideal, and I know that their divorce isn't either. It would be better if they talked about things.. but they don't. It would be better for you if they were able to communicate honestly- without assumptions, blame, or accusations. If they could talk with understanding, compassion, and a willingness to work together for your good. If they could talk with each other about ... well, everything, but most importantly about you- what they each want for you, what each feels is wise boundaries for you, and what each wants to and can offer that will enrich your life. Because really, each of your parents loves you dearly, and I suspect they would both, in their own unique ways, give everything they had if it meant you would be better for it.

Because you would be better for it if they worked together. But that's their choices to not do so, for reasons they alone understand. And sadly, you are the only one that is really going to pay the price. You're already losing out on time with your dad- and yes, I know that's by your choice, for your reasons.. but what all is going into that choice? What influences are pushing you one way or the other? Are you able to be objective? Are you able to separate yourself from the influences once in a while to get some perspective?

See, things aren't always as black-and-white as they seem. I know- I've been there. I know that both me and my ex-husband did things that messed up our marriage. And I can see where each of your parents could have done better, too.

I hope this wasn't too uncomfortable for you to read. I tried to be as gentle as possible, but still be fair and honest.

I want you to know that you are always welcome in our home, that you are a wanted part of our household- just a phone call to redeem that standing invitation. But I don't know if you know that, if that's how you feel. I hope that eventually your preference regarding our home will change. Until then, we will keep you in our prayers.

Ruminations

So, I've been ruminating (good word, really) about some things... kinda wish I could put this in a diagram, or have you in the same room so I could talk with my hands, but here goes....

On the one hand:

God
agency/choice
progression
liberty
democratic republic
prosperity
masculine/feminine is celebrated
beauty
art
color
life

On the other hand:

Satan
compulsion
stagnation
oppression
socialism/communism
poverty
unisex
ugly
dull
monochrome
death

The differences between these two schools of thought aren't just in the eternal context- they apply to politics, society, economics, culture... everything!