I want to talk about something I haven't really delved into much.. at all, let alone here. Infertility, specifically my own infertility. No, I'm not going to go into the specifics of my own case, but I am going to explore some of the emotional factor of the experience.
The other day I was listening to this podcast, and put down some thoughts.
I was diagnosed and defined as infertile at the age of 18. I was a "good girl", a senior in high school.. and a little miffed: I'd been raised to see motherhood as the highest calling of women; I had wanted to be a mom since I was told that little girls grow up to mommies (about 2 or 3 years old); and at 17, God had promised me that I would be a mother. But now, there wasn't a darn thing I could do about it. No pills, potions, or positions were going to "fix" my infertility.
The only way I was going to be a mother was through the grace of God and generosity (and very possibly heartbreak) of another woman: fostering, adoption, or surrogacy.
I married when I was 24. Maybe a little later than some, but not unusually so. We were never able to get our stuff together to do any of the above.. and because of other things, we ended up getting a divorce.
Yes, through all this, dear friends and family were having babies left and right. They were so often really great about how they approached it, for which I was and still am so very grateful.
I did my best to not show the hurt I felt at their joy. I was angry, hurt, left-out, ignored and rejected by God, even! It still hurts. Even though I'm now remarried and a fostermother of six amazing crazy wild kids, there are still things that hurt.
Like my ex getting remarried, which he did within about 4 months of our divorce. Then, they had a baby a year or so ago..ohh, that hurt! That was probably the most painful of all of the baby announcements. I don't know if I even have the words to describe how that felt. He did so much stupid in our marriage that prevented us from being able to have children.... It felt like God was ok with giving him children.. but for some reason, I didn't deserve it. I wasn't good enough... and maybe never will be?
The only way I was going to be a mother was through the grace of God and generosity (and very possibly heartbreak) of another woman: fostering, adoption, or surrogacy.
I married when I was 24. Maybe a little later than some, but not unusually so. We were never able to get our stuff together to do any of the above.. and because of other things, we ended up getting a divorce.
Yes, through all this, dear friends and family were having babies left and right. They were so often really great about how they approached it, for which I was and still am so very grateful.
I did my best to not show the hurt I felt at their joy. I was angry, hurt, left-out, ignored and rejected by God, even! It still hurts. Even though I'm now remarried and a fostermother of six amazing crazy wild kids, there are still things that hurt.
Like my ex getting remarried, which he did within about 4 months of our divorce. Then, they had a baby a year or so ago..ohh, that hurt! That was probably the most painful of all of the baby announcements. I don't know if I even have the words to describe how that felt. He did so much stupid in our marriage that prevented us from being able to have children.... It felt like God was ok with giving him children.. but for some reason, I didn't deserve it. I wasn't good enough... and maybe never will be?
I think that has been the hardest part- feeling insufficient.
I know these feelings are inacurate- they don't reflect truth.. but the feelings are real. They exist and they are so very difficult to deal with, mostly because they're conflicted! Yes, I am jealous of women who can and do get pregnant if their husband looks at them. I'm jealous of the women whose infertility journeys end.
But I'm also so very happy that babies still happen. I'm excited when a good strong marriage results in happy, smart, well-adjusted kids. I'm grateful when women choose to give birth instead of abort.
So, what do you say to a woman who has just told you that she can't have children? Don't suggest solutions, because chances are, she's already aware of the options... and the costs.
So, what do you say to a woman who has just told you that she can't have children? Don't suggest solutions, because chances are, she's already aware of the options... and the costs.
