Peace for the Broken Heart

Recently, I've been struggling with feelings of inadequacy. I flip-flop from what I know in my head to the stormy seas in my heart. I struggle being patient with customers at work who are frustrated and afraid. I find myself feeling intolerant of those whose values and choices diverge wildly from my own. I struggle to stay kind with those who insult and offend. I have to tamp down my own impatience so I can be loving to those who need me.

I know in my head that their frustrations, differences in knowledge , views, attitudes, priorities, needs, circumstances, and even personal history all play a part in how they behave. But I still find myself feeling frustrated, getting unreasonably offended or angry at the smallest slights and the mildest of requests, or crying because it hurts so badly.


Why can't I stay kind and patient with those who are afraid or hurting or don't understand? Why am I not enough to inspire those with walls around their hearts to bring their walls down? What do I need to do differently to be the kind of person that everyone thinks I am?

The weight of this was heavy on my heart one night- Why am I so weak? Why am I not enough?

I know there's solace somewhere, but that night it was out of reach. My heart was so broken, I didn't even have the presence of mind to ask for help from Him whose name is seen as synonymous with comforting the broken, healing the sick and wounded, feeding the hungry soul.

A blog I follow is Women in the Scriptures. The author pulls references to a woman or group of women in the scriptures and does an abstract, from Eve to "the concubines of Judges 19." Other times she simply lists her Five things for Friday- things she is grateful for from the previous week. One time, she shared a review of a book, Glimpse of Heaven, an account of one LDS woman's death experience.

The part I found fascinating was that once the Veil of Forgetfulness was lifted from the book author's mind, she saw herself as our Father sees His children:

"Once the blocks were removed from my memory,  I was a completely different person. Gone were my insecurities and doubts. (Gone was my depression). Eternal truth and God's love dominated that realm. As a result, my confidence was supreme. I struggle to find the words that can even being to describe what it felt like to be me in that sphere of existence. My entire being was infused with love and  gratitude and devotion to God... Being allowed to know my strengths and my abilities again was the most wonderful reunion I have ever experienced, and the reunion was with the real me." (pg. 5)

All of our insecurities and doubts and handicaps- whether they're about our looks, abilities, temptations, fears, struggles that stem from health issues (mental or physical)- are foreign to our divine nature. We are His children and His children are awesome!


Now if I can just get this knowledge into my hear.

Gifts

1 Corinthians 12:8-11:

 8 For to one is given by the Spirit the word of wisdom; to another the word of knowledge by the same Spirit;

 9 To another faith by the same Spirit; to another the gifts of healing by the same Spirit;

 10 To another the working of miracles; to another prophecy; to another discerning of spirits; to another divers kinds of tongues; to another the interpretation of tongues:

 11 But all these worketh that one and the selfsame Spirit, dividing to every man severally as he will.

For some, faith comes easy. They "just know." Others have this ability to take testimony of others and use it to light their own lamps. But there are others who don't have either.

Some simply don't have the experiences or exposure to know what faith feels like. They think too much. They don't have the ability to shut their brain off enough to just listen and feel.

In a way, I envy these people- their lives seem so much more simple. WYSIWYG- What you see is what you get. The world is exactly as it appears on the surface. Nothing more, nothing less.

But then again, I don't. I'm so grateful for the knowledge of the gospel. I'm grateful to know that I will see and be with my family again. Some of them I may not like, or they may make me feel inferior.. or superior. Some are goofs, some are somber. Some are pretty rough around the edges and others are refined and genteel. Some are young and naive, others are wise beyond their years, and some are so full of wisdom they are beginning to loose the ability to remember all they know.

But they are mine. They are my brothers and sisters (in law). They are my aunts and uncles, my cousins )and in-law).

I'm sealed to them- They. Are. Mine.

And I am theirs.

I an a daughter, a sister (in-law), a cousin, an aunt, and a friend.

Our faults and flaws- bossy, irreverent, rebellious, selfish, lazy, judgmental, paranoid, arrogant- those are all covered by the Atonement. The faults and flaws and sins inside each of my family members are accommodated for. Through the At-one-ment of our Eldest Brother, each one of us can return to Father.

We can return to Him in the greatest family reunion ever! Our brothers and sisters who came to all the corners of this earth for a body, through all the history of mankind- each of us can tap into the sacrifice our Brother made and repent, become clean each week through the sacrament, become refined and polished gems- the great and noble ones He knew us to be so long ago.

I know I'm flawed. I'm bossy and arrogant. I'm selfish and lazy. I don't always have all the answers... but I can make it. We all can.

The peace that brings, the confidence the knowledge of who I really am, the comfort this brings cannot be found anywhere else.

I'm unspeakably grateful for the wisdom that created this plan, the love that allows this plan to function, the work and sacrifice that brought that knowledge to this day, for this gift.

Mind Control???

Once upon a time... ok so it was probably 8 yrs ago or so, I started a new job. They were big on co-worker relations-  they did personality tests in training, work games, department parties, etc. One day during training, I was pulled out of class by the HR woman who had recruited me. In a private conversation, she addressed a behavior I had that wasn't necessarily bad, but it bothered the others in class.

She said, "You need to manage other people's perceptions of you."

That pissed me off!! That's not possible- how can I possibly control what others think?

But I knew she wasn't a stupid woman- she didn't get where she was by demanding the unreasonable.

"You need to manage other people's perceptions of you."

Ok... what is this "other people's perceptions of you"..?

It's your reputation... and that IS your business. There are a lot of industries where everything is about reputation. If your reputation becomes sullied, you're out!

And what is reputation based on?

What you do, what you say.. and how you do it, how you say it... and that is TOTALLY under your control. You decide what your standards are. You decide if you act w/integrity to your chosen standards and values. You decide how you interact with and treat others. You decide what words you use with others, what tone you employ.

Your business, your responsibility, your control.

These were the thoughts went through my mind over the course over the next couple days, weeks.

Since then, I've thought about this a lot. I try to look at myself and try to see what others see. If I can see that, then I have a starting point for managing what others think of me.

Do I come across as a know-it-all? Sometimes. Am I ok with that? If not, what can I do about it?

Do people think I'm mean or abrasive or harsh? Again, sometimes. Is that ok? If not, how do I soften my approach?

Do I see any other qualities in myself that are off-putting? Am I ok with it? What can I do to fix it, to change my behavior or mindset to be less awkward, less harsh, less selfish, more kind, more pleasant, more capable, more humble.

What kinds of things are you working on?

(PS- And please post comments here, so that other readers can see it. Thanks!)

Complaining...

When people complain about their lives, do they realize what others hear?

“Dang, I’m pissed at my husband- I can’t believe he did ______”

(I have a husband who comes home every night.. and I’m still not happy.)

“Can you believe what my daughter did today???? *huff”

(I have a child, an awesome daughter, but I’m teaching her stupid things.. and I don’t care.)

“It’s so awful- management put us on half-hour lunches!”

(I have a job that provides for my family, but because I don’t get a full hour for lunch, because I get an extra half hour each day on the clock, a half hour I’ll be paid for, I’m going to whine about it.)

Was dinner good? “Meh.. I don’t like _____, so no…” *moving food around the plate.

(My wife makes dinner, does a fantastic job, but I’m so dang picky I don’t like anything she makes.)

“I can’t believe my Home Teacher wants to come on Sunday..”

(I have Home Teachers who come consistently… but I’m gonna whine because they want to come when it’s inconvenient for me.)

“My house is a disaster- there’s laundry piled all over, a sink full of dishes, the kids’ toys all over the living room- and I don’t wanna take care of it…”

(I have a warm/cool (depending on the seasonal need) home, clothes to cover my body, food for my belly, kids who are healthy and growing… and I’ve chosen to be lazy rather than exercise wise stewardship over the blessings I have.)

“I can’t believe ‘my’ team lost the game last night…”

(I have nothing better to whine about than a freaking game.)

A wise man once said, "No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won’t make it worse.” So true. When we focus on the negative, that’s all we see. Another wise man said, “Seek and ye shall find…” We find what we’re looking for, what we expect to find.

What are you looking for?

Single Life

When I first became single, I was all excited about the freedom. Then it got old really fast. Sleeping single in a double bed wasn't my idea of a good time. The lonely wears on a girl! I wrote this shortly after I decided I DID NOT want to stay single.

I started treating my lack of a SO (since I actually wanted one) as a job.

Just like any other occupation or high-level career, you gotta do your homework. So I did. I invested a lot of time, thought, prayer, study, and talking with those I truly trusted in figuring out and putting into words exactly what I wanted in a SO.

A high-level career also requires a significant financial investment (education, the right clothes, finding ways to be in the right places at the right times, etc). So I did. I went out to the dance clubs, put myself in situations to find Mr. Right. I spent money and got a couple accounts on the online dating sites. I even did some exploring within the fashion industry (ok, not a lot, but I did adjust my clothing/makeup/hair styles) in order to become more appealing.

A high-level career is a lifestyle. So I made this my lifestyle. I'm out to have a good time and meet people. I know what I want. I know what I'm willing to compromise on. I know what I'm NOT willing to compromise on. And I know that anything less than the have-to's just won't do.

This is essentially how I still feel. I know what I want, and I'm willing to look for him, wait for him. There've been a couple guys in the last year and a half that I've thought were "the one".. I'm still looking, waiting. Maybe this one is the one.. dunno.

A Double-Edged Sword

“Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.” That’s how Jesus’ apostle, James, defined religion. Seems it’s not quite what he thought it was anymore.

See, James felt (and I rather agree with him here) that religion was meant to be about encouraging people to be kind and help each other, to help the individual be a better person, and teaching people how to build a relationship with the Divine.

So many people feel that religion is man-made, that it’s about controlling others, or about profit, or... *shrug. I don’t know, but it can make a person wonder- What happened between then and now?

My suspicion is that someone (or maybe a lot of someones?) got the bright nasty idea to take religion, this blessing to mankind… and use it to their own ends. I don’t know what that first corruptible was trying to accomplish. I don’t know if he/she achieved what they wanted to achieve. But a lot of people have jumped on the bandwagon and twisted God’s tool into something that it wasn’t meant to be… and ruined the whole idea.

But that’s ok- I still love my Father and I’m grateful for my relationship with Him and for all He’s given me... Including the religion/church I attend.

This Is My Country

I want to share some of my feelings about this country. But I’ve been struggling with how to go about it. Here are some little stories that may help.

A couple years ago, on a Tuesday morning, I had a couple things to pick up at the grocery store. As I started down the canned goods aisle, I saw something that, although I’d known it existed, I hadn’t really SEEN before. This grocery store was a 24-hr store, so they’d had all night to stock, straighten, and front the shelves. As I stood there looking at all that food, I remembered that there are places, have been times in history that this kind of abundance wasn’t available. Droughts and famine in diverse places, bread lines in so many countries. And here I stand looking at shelves and shelves of food! I realized that although my life wasn’t exactly what I wanted it to be, I was still truly blessed!

When the US pushed the Germans out of Italy at the end of WW2, shouts of “The Americans are coming! The Americans are coming!” rang through the streets. A GI picked up a hungry, dirty little Italian girl and gave her a chocolate Hershey bar. She’s now a US citizen, a grandmother (Nonna). While she says, “I’m Italian to the core, I’m an AMERICAN, and so grateful for it!”



A while back, I saw a commercial. A group of people were in a poorly lit room. As the preacher closed their services, he very solemnly asked the tiny congregation to be careful as they left for home. The members of the congregation left one or two at a time, climbing the stairs of the storm cellar. Furtive looks were cast as they emerged and went their separate ways. How lucky are we that doesn’t happen here!

Once upon a time, there was a young man in a far-off country, a scholar of scripture. He realized that there were some serious discrepancies between what was written and what was being taught. He wrote his 95 concerns down, posted them.. and a price was placed upon his head. He died an outlaw, because he asked questions.

Over a century ago, there was an American boy whose neighborhood was in an uproar. All the churches were campaigning for congregation members. Ministers and preachers were arguing about what was and was not true, how each phrase of scripture was to be interpreted, and how that interpretation should be applied to our lives. This kid was sharp though. 

He realized that if A was exactly NOT B.. then A and B couldn’t BOTH be true… one had to be wrong. He struggled with this question for.. probably months. Finally he stumbled on some really great advice- Ask God. Duh! If anyone knows the truth, He does! So the boy went to a private place, knelt and prayed. That kid came out of the woods knowing more about God and His work than the collective knowledge of all the scriptural scholars from the days of Jesus up to that time. Although he was eventually killed for it, he lived long enough to get so much done in bringing the truth about God to the people of the world… And it was able to happen because of the freedoms of this country.

I know this country isn't perfect.. it's full of human beings, for crying out loud! But it's the best place on earth- The variety in cultures, geography, religions. The opportunities, and freedoms, the fairness and equality. This country really is the best place to live.

Eggs

I love eggs! I know there are those who don’t, but I certainly do! I think over-easy is my favorite- served on top of a hot golden pancake.

A while back, I was making an egg salad sandwich. I generally boil 2 eggs, peel them while hot, then cut them up and mix them with some mayo. I pile it on a slice of bread, add another slice on top, and chow down.

As I was getting ready to peel the eggs, I had a couple little friends who wanted to watch. The 5-yr old asked if they were both eggs, seeing as how one was brown, the other a lovely pale blue-green (yes, both from domestic chickens). I told her yes. Then I asked her sister (3) if she thought the inside would be the same.. or different?

Smart girls, they both said they thought the eggs would be the same inside. So I cracked and peeled both eggs. Yup, both were white under the colored shell. So we went to the next level, and as I cut them up, I showed my little friends what was inside. The eggs were the same- white with a yellow yoke.

I told the girls that chicken eggs are like people- we find both in a variety of sizes, colors, even shapes. But at the end of the day, we’re all pretty dang similar inside. Internal anatomy doesn’t differ a whole lot.

Eggs are still eggs…

And people are still people.

"Ye are the Salt of the Earth"

A couple weeks ago, the text for Sunday School included part of the Sermon on the Mount. Something that was said really struck a chord with me.

In Matthew 5:13, the Lord says, “Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savor, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.”

Generally at that time, salt harvesters would find salt on the shore of a body of water, like the Dead Sea. They would gathered up this salt (very possibly with a good portion of sand). So when the people would talk of salt losing its savor .. chances are they were “salting” their food with the sandy portion of what had been gathered.

Salt is salt, and it's always going to be sodium chloride. Thankfully, today, our salt-gathering is much more reliable, we don't get much silica in our sodium chloride!

If salt is to be effective in bringing flavor and as a preservative, it must be in actuality- salt. It has to maintain its chemical makeup.

If we are to be the salt of the earth, effective in bringing salvation and as a preservative to our fellow man, we must be in actuality holy. We have to maintain our personal righteousness.

The only way we “lose our savor” is if we change our very nature…. And become common sand.

My Anniversary

Last Sunday was my anniversary- one year since my divorce papers were signed. It was a reflective day.

I looked at the things he’d done through the 10 years of our marriage to slowly break my heart. I will probably always wonder if there were things I could have said or done to help him understand how much these behaviors hurt, what messages I was getting when he did those things.

It takes two to tango so I’m not blameless, either. I know I also did things that seriously damaged the foundations of our marriage, things that really hurt him.

I wonder sometimes, about all these things that led up to my asking him for a divorce- things he did, decisions I made, stuff that “just happened,” even things others said and did that affected our relationship. I regret some of my behavior, wishing I could get a do-over. Other things, I’m grateful I did what I did, because it led me to where I am now.

In the last year, I’ve learned a lot… mostly about myself.

• I’m more blunt/up-front with most people, but still afraid to tell my mom stuff I know she doesn’t want to hear.
• I’m more aware of the power and influence I have as a woman, and I’ll probably always be reluctant to use aspects of it it to use people.
• I’m better at understanding what I want, but sometimes (probably too often) afraid to stand up and ask for it.
• I’m better at letting go of feeling responsible for others’ actions, but I still hold on to regrets, self-bashing mentalities, and a keen awareness of my imperfections.
• I realize that people lie... for a lot of different reasons, and I know this doesn’t make it ok for me to be less-than honest.
• I know that I’ve made mistakes- broken rules, broken hearts. I’m fixing that... and it feels good to get back in His good graces.

I Feel Rich!

I got back from grocery shopping the other day, and as I was putting stuff away, restocking my fridge and the little pantry in the kitchen, I realized something-  I feel rich!

When I have a full fridge and pantry, when there’s food to eat, I feel rich- I feel blessed, I have enough. I can make all kinds of things- taco soup, potato casserole, vegetable side dishes, cookies, quesadillas, hot chocolate. Just for breakfast, I can choose cold cereal, or hot.. or pancakes.. or eggs.. or a pancake with an egg in the middle.. hashbrowns, anyone?

Coming home from grocery shopping.. and paying bills.. well, being done with paying bills and seeing there’s still at least a little bit in the checking account.

So why does this make me feel so very… rich? Thoughts?

“I have a problem with the church…”

There are a lot of people who take issue with some facet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I’ve come to realize that there are actually 3 basic facets.

• The doctrines of the church. This includes the scriptures (yes, all 4 books included in “the standard works), modern revelation, and the principals taught. This would also include the POV regarding various behaviors, lifestyles, choices, etc. These come from God, all-knowing, all-wise, all-loving, and are directions on how to obtain the greatest happiness and joy.. both in quality and quantity. These teachings are perfect. Generally delivered by men and always carried out by men (and by this I mean human beings), they may not always come across quite right, but with the help of the Holy Ghost, it is possible for the hearer/student to gain a perfect understanding.

• The membership of the church. These are the people who make up the church- neighbors, ward members, coworkers, etc. These are people, human beings. By nature they’re flawed. They have issues, drama, incomplete knowledge, biases. Despite all this horror, I still believe in the basic goodness of human nature. Yes, people often do or say things that hurt us, but by and large, I think they mean well.

• The organization and structure of the church, the hierarchy of how things are.. governed, for lack of a better word. Although designed by a perfect God, it is executed by men.. see discussion regarding membership of the church.

Understanding the distinctions is vital to understanding ways to overcome someone’s issues with the church… even if that someone is you.

See, our Father uses all of these. Knowing full well how imperfect His children are, this is what He’s chosen. He uses the organization and structure of the church to deliver the doctrines, teachings, and directions to the members, His children.

Which brings me to my next point. So many times, I hear someone say that they have withdrawn from the church (whichever facet applies) because something happened and they got offended. Why? Why do you let an imperfect human being get in the way of your relationship with your Father?

So your Visiting Teacher made an insensitive comment. Chances are she doesn’t quite know the whole story. Or maybe your bishop thinks you need to learn “how to communicate better”… Don’t we all? What if the Relief Society President is a nosy busy-body? Unfortunately, a little bit of that is needed with that calling. So what if the neighbor lady (a member of the ward) has been saying ugly judgmental stuff about you? Let her. That’s between her and her conscience and God.

What does that have to do with the relationship between you and your Father in Heaven? Let it go. Get in touch with your inner child of God. Learn of your Father, and use the church (the organization and structure) as He would have you use it. Let it be a tool for you to learn to talk with Him, to learn of His doctrines and how to follow His directions for happiness, and to appreciate His love for you.